On one hand, it’s been a lovely day. It’s warm here today – so after taking the hubby to see a movie and out for lunch – celebrating his first father’s day with my daughter. We had a lovely day – and now we’re all doing our own thing for a bit. Trying to beat the heat a little. I had already called my step dad and my father this morning to wish them a wonderful day. My conversation with my step dad was lovely – made me grateful that I’d called him first.
It’s amazing to me how people who aren’t your blood, can mean more to you than those who are. My daughter asked me today why I continue to try with certain family members in my life. I don’t really have much of an answer. I think somewhere in my head, I can’t help but continue to always try. To give them everything I have… because somewhere in my brain – I think that’s what family is supposed to do. And that sometimes, because we’re only human, we make choices and do things that hurt our family. We may not do it purposefully. We may not even recognize that we’ve done it. If I were to quit, to give up on them, when they are perhaps in that state, then I’m not being a loyal family member. But today… I hit my limit. It’s a weird feeling. Definitely freeing to some extent. But it’s other things too. Sobering. Sad. Frustrating – not because it didn’t go the way I wanted, but because I’ve put in so much time and effort to try and build something, to make something work and it was all for nothing.
Why is today any different then? What was it this morning that made me say enough and to speak up for myself and say that I wasn’t going to be screamed at and that I wasn’t going to take any more abuse?
It was because of 4 people actually.
My daughter. What lesson am I teaching her by continuing to give someone that kind of power over me and my life? What am I teaching her by taking abuse for the sake of being loyal to blood? I wouldn’t stand for that behavior from anyone else, why should this be allowed?
My son. It’s amazing to watch a boy learning how to be a man. It’s made me more cognizant of the lessons I teach him. I hope he will learn how to lead a life with honor, and integrity, and strength. I would never want to demand his loyalty without having earned it.
My husband. This one affects me, perhaps, most of all. He has this calm, quiet strength about him. He often leaves me in awe actually. I wish I could somehow show him what I see when I look at him. We’ve only been married for a week now, and I’m blown away at how happy and content I feel about that. This man is my forever. I’ve never experienced a feeling quite like it. I mean it as absolutely no disrespect to my previous relationships. I learned so much from them, became who I am today partially because of them… I’m grateful for those I loved in my past. But more than that… I’m grateful for the man who showed me that my future was something I’d never planned or thought would come about. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I don’t know how he does what he does to me… but I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. I knew that no matter how bad the conversation went with my father – he would be waiting inside with comforting arms and hugs and promises that no matter what, I’m enough. I’m perhaps a little grateful that he didn’t hear the conversation. I’m not sure he would have liked what he heard – and not because of anything I had to say.
My new mom. 🙂 My husband’s mom is … fucking amazing. Truly. I absolutely adore her. And while she was staying the week with us, she shared some of her own personal experiences. She gave me the courage to really look at what I was allowing in my life. At what I was keeping around all because of a scared little girl that’s within me who just wanted to feel loved and accepted by her father. I don’t think i’ll ever truly be able to share how grateful I am to her for sharing her experiences. For helping me to think about things from a different perspective. She’s a wise woman. I feel so incredibly lucky to have her in our lives. Truly – my cup runneth over. 🙂 And I hope to continue to build a real relationship with her over our lives together. I feel like there is much I can learn from her, but also – so much love I can bring to her as well.
I don’t think either of them realize what they’ve come to mean to not just me, but also my children. I’ve loved my exes families in the past, but not like this. They are now as near and dear to me as my children – my very closest family. I’d jump in front of a train for them and they have my undying love and loyalty and support.
When I sat down to write this – I thought I’d detail out the morning. Get some of the things he said to me out of my head and onto paper – in the hopes that perhaps I’d be able to put it out of my head and move forward. But now that I’ve written what I’ve written above, I don’t want to taint such positivity with such ugly negative details. And i’m not sure it would really serve me to have a record of that to go and reread later. So I’m not going to do that. I don’t need a record of the abuse, as those are simply things that will echo in my mind. Instead, I’ll simply detail out how I’m feeling right now. As ultimately – that’s what I need to process through. And perhaps, over time, the echoes of all that was said by my father today will fade and I’ll forget.
I’m feeling … Love and gratitude. For what I have. For the amazing people who’ve so recently entered my life and showed me just what I’ve been missing in all these years.
I’m feeling… sadness and betrayal for the little girl inside me. Today – she both lost, and won. She won her freedom. But she lost the dream she always carried that someday, her family would love and support her the way she did to them.
I’m feeling … pride. In myself. I did it. I walked away from one of the biggest, most toxic influences in my life. Something I have been trying to do since I was a teenager.
God – I remember sitting in a counselor’s office as a 17 year old girl with my father on the phone. We had asked him to come in and talk to me during a session. To see if we could work through some things. And he told me no. I remember feeling then, a little what I feel now. Let down and disappointed by a man who very obviously never wanted anything to do with me.
But today – I honored that girl. I finally made her safe. A place where his toxicity and angry can no longer get to me. Where his unmet, unrealistic expectations can no longer threaten to trip me up. Today – we are free.