Releasing a swirl of thoughts from my head

I’ve been itching to get online and type for a few days now.  Sometimes, you just need to write and find some sense of release from the swirl inside your head.  So many topics to potentially write about.  So, per my usual, I may skip around a bit and talk about a little of each of those swirling topics.

Self Esteem.  It’s interesting to me that the world is focused on whether you have it, or you don’t.  Apparently it’s a mystical black and white kind of hero achievement that is unlocked somewhere along the journey of life.  But the truth of it is… it’s a bit more like an ocean of grey.  It ebbs and it flows.  I have good days and then I have days where I question myself and everyone around me.  Of course, this is all happening only inside my head.  But still.

Intuition.  One person’s intuition could lead them down the exact opposite path as someone else’s.  So then, what is it?  According to the dictionary, it’s an inherent knowledge of something without having read it or learned it purposefully.  So it’s a knowledge from deep within. But that doesn’t mean it’s always accurate.  I wonder if the notion of a red flag in someone points back to this?  Or any flag for that matter?  Something that triggers an intuition in a potential mate.  Yes – i’m weird that my brain landed here.  It’s ok… I promise.  See – this came up because I’ve been struggling with something that hasn’t been sitting right with me about someone.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, which is making it worse.  So I’m trying to figure out the why’s.

Weight loss.  I slog on in my journey.  I’m weary from this adventure… but I have finally pushed through my plateau.  I’m determined to continue to make progress.

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In 2013, I weighed over 400 pounds.  OMG. I’ve typed and deleted that a few times.  Do I really dare to share this?!  But yes.  It’s true. I still have easily another 50 to go for me to hit my target.  I feel good… I’m hopeful.  But in all truth… tonight… I’d kill for piece of pie.  We don’t do thanksgiving.  I love our family traditions that we do instead – however… and quite simply.

I. Miss. Pie.

And not apple pie – ew. No.  A custard pie, or a pumpkin pie… or even a pecan or berry pie.  Peach is always lovely too!  LOL.  Pie.  With a flaky, golden, buttery crust.  Sigh.  But yay for weight loss!!

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Dating.  I’ve dipped my toe in a couple of times in the past two years, and I’m not convinced it’s for me.  Add to the fact that I have a pretty full life… how do you add to that?  How do you make room for the potential of someone else when you have no idea who that someone else could possibly be?  I have friends encouraging me to date, and for the most part… it’s been a pleasant experience.  But I’ve also learned that I must be a bit of an oddball in the world.  Or at the very least, in the circles I’ve crossed.  I’m not looking for casual sex or friends with benefits.  That simply does not do it for me.  I want the close companionship just as much as I want all the fun sexy time! So because of that, I don’t immediately jump into the sack with someone.  Apparently it’s viewed as old fashioned.  I’ll hold off until it’s right -which could be date 8 and could be never… and men – who at first say they support that, in the long run are surprised to find out that you actually mean it.  Sex should be magical!  The power that each person has over the other… to make a breath catch, or to cause goose bumps.  To create an explosion of delight in someone else – that is a magical thing.  It makes me sad when I hear how some people have lost (or have never had) the ability to revel in it… but I can’t do that with a stranger.  Someone I don’t respect or care about.

That sounds too scary for me.  I’ll pass.

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My annual update to my bucket list…

I don’t even know how I got started doing this… last year, when I updated, I only crossed things off – I didn’t add.  So this year, I figured I’d add some new dreams, and cross off the completed ones… let’s see how this turns out!

1. Go on a long road trip on a motorcycle.
2. Skydive
3. Get in a food fight
4. Learn to surf
5. Publish a book
6. Ride a hot air balloon
7. Go grape stomping and make wine
8. Go scuba diving
9. Ride an elephant in Thailand
10. Explore a real castle
11. Attend a ball
12. Eat sushi in Japan
13. See the cherry blossom festival
14.  Design a video game
15. Attend SDCC
16. Achieve my ideal weight
17. Learn to ski
18. See the amazon rainforest
19. Climb a mountain
20. Paint a mural
21. Make a CD – in a professional recording studio
22. See the aurora borealis
23. See the pyramids
24. Send a message in a bottle
25. Buy a house
26. Go on a cruise
27. Visit New York
28. Visit Vegas
29. Cook through an entire cookbook
30. Fly first class
31. Go on an African Safari (no killing things tho please!!)
32. Experience Zero Gravity
33. Explore the Louvre
34. Visit Tuscany and experience “the Tuscan light”
35. Fly in a fighter jet
36. Drive on a race course as fast as I can go
37. Play a real game of poker in a casino
38. Go to the airport and take a random flight for a weekend
39. Experience Mardis Gras
40. Be at Times Square on New Years Eve
41. Get hypnotized
42. Speak at a design convention
43. Milk a cow
44. See Stonehenge
45. Meditate in a temple in asia
46. Rent a bus and party with friends
47. Set up a soup kitchen
48. Dress up in disguise for a day
49. Camp on a beach
50. Make a cherry pie with a lattice top
51. Throw a boomerang
52. Spend a day in bed… NOT sleeping 😉

53. Be “stranded” on an island for 3 days
54. Attend the Olympics
55. Kiss under the mistletoe
56. Be a part of a flash mob
57. Attend a murder mystery dinner
58. See real fireflies
59. Skinny dip in the ocean
60. Sex on a beach
61. Swim in a tropical ocean at night
62. Taste a sprouted coconut
63. Buy an investment property
64. Make someone smile every single day
65. Learn to play guitar
66. Go 140 mph on a motorcycle
67. Take a pottery class
68. Make stained glass
69. Flip a house
70. Attend my kid’s graduations
71. Meet my grandkids (this better be a LONG LONG time from now lol)
72. Join the mile high club
73. Take a bubble bath with someone

New Additions:

74.  Open a physical shop to sell bath & body products, cosmetics and candles
75.  See the glaciers in Alaska
76.  Remodel my home
77.  Learn to make cheese
78.  See mexico and South America

79.  Participate in a zombie flash mob

80.  Have my side business become my full time job
81.  Finish decorating my house (to where I actually feel like it’s mostly complete)
82.  Read an entire library’s worth of books (I’d say i’m doing pretty well at this goal)
83.  Learn sign language
84.  Write a love letter in french 🙂
85.  See, in person, Shea butter or cocoa butter being made and/or collected from the source.

The end of an emotional weekend

What a weekend I had.  My daughter had a friend over for a sleepover, and while I will not divulge details about this girl, I will share that her mom, a dear friend of mine, passed away a couple years ago.  It was… absolutely heart breaking then, and shook me to my core.  I still think about her every single day. And it’s been a long time since we’ve spent time with that family. So this weekend has certainly left me feeling emotional…  And protective over children, in general.

Last night, she asked if we could take a moment and do a group snuggle – because she didn’t get that much at home these days.  My heart broke as I snuggled both girls for a while.  I stayed up way too late, snuggling and chatting with them.  Caught up on how her life had been since we’d last seen each other.  And it shook me all over again.  I tucked them in and stayed up tossing and turning over it all.  This morning, I took them out for breakfast.  Waffles with cotton candy on top – because .. that’s why.  Just because.

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Because maybe, a little extra sweetness, be it a snuggle, a kind word, a funny story, or even cotton candy on top of a rainbow waffle … with sprinkles…. will somehow put a smile on a kid’s face.  And if that happens… maybe she’ll be able to survive this horrendous childhood that she has had.  Yea – I know it’s a stretch.  But damn it… what else can I possibly do?! She now has a standing invite to come over regularly, as well as halloween and any other time she needs a snuggle… but even I know … It’s not enough.

It’s interesting how small your own problems can become in moments like these.  I’ve cried a lot this weekend… cried for her, cried for mother, cried for the unfairness of it all, cried out of gratefulness for my own children… ugh.  I’m done crying, and tomorrow, my still partially sick butt has to get up and go to work and get my head in the game.

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It’s funny, this isn’t how I’d imagined my weekend turning out – but I wouldn’t trade it.  Maybe I needed a reminder … that my problems and stress are small in comparison to what they could be.  That I have it so much better than some, and have given my children a world that is healthy and positive and full of laughter and snuggles and love.  I have to remind myself that I cannot hug everyone.  I can’t heal everyone.  That I have to be content with helping those that I can… and not get hung up on those whom I couldn’t.

Goodnight Neverland.  I wish you all the best.

Much love,

Jen

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Once I’m human again… an ode to fall.

It’s easy to stumble upon moments of self doubt when you’re sick and you’re single.  For it is when you’re sick, that you’re often feeling at your lowest, easily susceptible to feeling the true weight of being alone.  What’s interesting to me is that I’m content 95 percent of the time with being alone.  EXCEPT… when I’m sick.  Then I just want company.  Companionship to watch the movie SpaceBalls with, and to fight over kleenex and who gets the last orange juice!

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So I just embraced those moments and spent time with myself.  I’ve binge watched a bunch of movies that I haven’t seen in a very long time, ingested as much liquid vitamin C that I could possibly stand, slept when I needed to sleep, as well as lit candles and watched (from inside) the season take over the yard… the leaves changing color, a small nip in the air.

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It’s lovely.  It’s also unfortunate that I’m sick – as this is one of my favorite times of the year.  I get to wear boots!  I get to wear scarves!  And although I don’t do pumpkin spice – I find those that do adorable in their charming predictability.  Fall is finally here in Seattle, and I’m thrilled!  I can’t wait to get out into it and catch up on work and life and the world!

Until then… I think I’ll make a cup of tea and hope that this miserable plague finally goes away enough for me to re-join the human race.  Once I’m human again.

And on that note… I thought I’d share some funny meme’s about being sick.  🙂  Enjoy!

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Update: It’s been a while

First off, I suppose I should apologize.  You see, I use writing as a release.  When I’m feeling down, or lost or anxious… writing helps me find a way to vocalize whatever it is that’s weighing me down.  And once I can do that, once I process it – I can let it go.  But in the past few months, I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster, and haven’t really had the desire to do much writing about it.  So.. here it goes… a brief update on all the busy happenings that have been my life since I last wrote.

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My side business is doing very well.  I imagine at some point towards the end of the year, that it will no longer be a side business… but something a bit more on the main business side of things.  It’s exciting and has been a lot of fun.  My best friend and my daughter are both heavily involved and it brings me a lot of joy and fulfillment to work on it with them.  Not to mention, I can pour my creativity into every new recipe or batch.  I won’t lie, a LOT of my time has been poured into my business… between making the products and making sure they have the proper cure times, researching recipes and new products to add to my lines, testing batches, labeling & packaging, shipping, marketing, attending pop ups or shows… it’s a LOT of work!

I had a bit of a health scare for a few months.  Ended with me having a procedure that, at least so far, has given me some answers.  I’m learning how to manage.  Some days, I have more energy than others, but I’ll be damned if I’m just going to sit by and feel sorry for myself over it.  I’m unique. LOL.  That will have to do.

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I’ve attended a few events, a fair, have visited a few farmer’s markets and even had the privilege of participating in an east indian wedding… such an incredible experience. And the photos.. let me tell you!  All the colors!!!  Such a treat.  It’s been a lovely summer so far, and it’s not quite over yet.

My daughter and I are planning a mural on the long fence that is on one side of our property.  We’ve got a few scenes we’ll work into it, and we’ve spent a decent amount of time planning it out and discussing each scene.  I’ll be buying the paint & supplies tomorrow and we’re both pretty excited to get it going… even if it will take a while to complete it.

Mid-way through August, I’ve rented a little cabin for a couple of days.  I’m hoping the new Kayaks that I’ve ordered will be here, but if not, I’ll use one of the old ones.  I’m really looking forward to it.  To get out, explore… whether it’s by car, foot or boat.  To have nothing pressing, no rush to do anything except what I want.  There’s even a hot tub… so if I want to relax and soak under the stars… I can.  🙂  Absolute bliss.  I’m craving a little quiet.  To slow down and just watch the world around me.  I’ll be sure to bring my camera.  I like to capture that which inspires me.

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My day job has been going really well – we’ve been taking on a few projects that really have me excited.  I’m enthusiastic to see how they go… projects often morph and take on a new direction from how we first imagined them.  It’s a bit like watching your child grow up – and now you can’t really control what direction they take.

I’m still consistently losing 2-5 pounds each week.  I’m pleased by that.  I know I’ll plateau again… will just keep going.  The way I see it, it took me a while to put on the weight – going to take just as long to take it off.

I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks actually – my roommate/nanny is going to be moving out at the end of August.  There’s been a little drama here and there in regards to that… so I’ll be happy to have the house back down to me and the kids.  Shoot – I can’t wait to feel comfortable getting juice from kitchen in my undies again! LOL.  But between her drama, and some drama with our neighbor behind us who wasn’t happy when my daugher washed the car and streams of water went into his yard, and the fact that I had to once again stand up to the ex to remind him that I don’t deserve to be treated with verbal abuse when he’s not getting his way… I’m so over it.  And truthfully, my confidence has taken a hit this week.

Normally, I don’t let things like this get to me.  Not really.  I may be upset for a few minutes, but truthfully, I calm down pretty quick and get over it.  But people this week, have left me feeling a bit confused, and more than a little lost.  I don’t think I was expecting it, so of course, it tripped me up a bit.  But I’m working through it.  I think it’s just a moment when I have to consciously decide that I will continue to just be me.  To unashamedly… Be. Me.  To do what I always do… to keep on keeping on.  Take me as I am, or leave me be.  I don’t think that can be a poor choice.  I suppose it would depend on how emotionally healthy “Me” is in this scenario… but in this circumstance… I feel pretty good about that.

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