I Had An Epiphany Today

There’s something to be said about commuting in a car, it leaves for plenty of time to think.  To decompress and review things in my head.  I certainly don’t do it with everything, but I do find that on occasion, something someone will say or do will get stuck in my head.  It leads me with a need to churn it over a bit and mull on it.  I think it’s because, in the moment, my brain will nod and move along in conversation… but later, it will pop back in my mind and I’ll wonder about that moment – why did I react that way?  Do they really feel that way?  Is that really what they meant?  Perhaps I am simply an over thinker and need to learn to control that side of myself a bit better. Regardless, it is how my brain works.

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Friends and people who learn my story often comment to me about how strong I am.  And while it’s nice to hear, it is in no way a reflection of how I see myself.  I have strength when it comes to my brain.  I’m able to figure out a solution, make a sale, or find a way out of a sticky situation on most occasions.  BUT… when it comes to matters of the heart, and when it comes to matters of sex…. I am a total pansy.  Let me repeat that, because I’ve never admitted that before.  I am a pansy. I wasn’t always like this.  This.. is new.  A new Jen.  One who, now that I see her, I’m not too happy with.

Of course, it doesn’t help that the few times I’ve really opened up and trusted in someone, I’ve ended up highly disappointed and heartbroken over it.  A part of me wants to remind myself that “Hey! That’s life! You win some, ya lose some.” But, because those times have been a bit few and far between – what I usually end up doing is just raising my walls further.  Protect myself from the pain just a little bit more, but of course, the side effect from me doing that is that sometimes, people who’ve been trying to get inside my walls – get hurt.  I shut down and close myself off – and it leaves them hurt.  Which ultimately – is not something I’d ever want to do to those who are close to me.

I’d like to change my goals for the year.

I want to learn to bring those walls down a bit more.  To let someone in.  I suppose… this is my very first step.  Admitting that I can see it, recognize it and want to change it.  I also have to understand that it means letting in some pain.  If I bring down my walls, it’s going to hurt.  I’m scared to hurt.  I’ve felt sadness and hurt and pain for long enough over plenty of things.  The idea of facing pain and sadness scares the shit out of me.  But – I want people to know me.  For people to see me for who I am – and if they don’t like me… it’ll hurt a little.  But this is me.  Who I am on this blog… is me.  And if I ever want to feel like I’m not alone anymore, it means I have to let people in.

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The Rulebook of Life – According to me

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If you were to write a rule book – for life according to you… what would be some of the rules?   Not the obvious ones… as far as always being honest, upholding your own honor, not murdering people and such…

I mean the other things. Guidelines for how we live our lives, that make us unique to who and what we are.  The ones that we all seem to have… although perhaps subconsciously, which would make them challenging to actually pick up on.

A sampling of the Rulebook of Life according to Jen

Rule 97: Fuzzy blankets are required to properly watch a movie or binge TV.

Rule 389: Jen must always have the ability to pull her foot out of the blankets at night in order to maintain the correct body temperature.

Rule 413: When Jen gets home from work – she must be allowed 15-20 minutes to decompress, also known as the “Don’t Ask Mom For Anything” time.

Breaking this rule can lead to potential willpower melt-down and the mass consumption of chocolate or soft cookies from her secret stash.  Note: If you promise never to share knowledge of secret stash – she may just share with you if you’re nice.

Rule 1022:  There are two places that make Jen anxious.  Hospitals and Airports, for very different reasons.  When Jen is anxious, she may need an extra hug, an extra smile, and a little extra patience.  She also may need a swift kick in the ass to make her go to these places.  Use force as deemed appropriate and necessary. Bribes work too.

Rule 1031: Sometimes, Jen just needs a snuggle.  For no reason at all.

LOL.

Yea … I know…

I’m a dork.  But seriously – how cool would it be if you could see other people’s rule books?  I know my best friend R’s would have things like

A sampling of the Rulebook of Life according to R

Rule 124: Must yell at the TV during scary parts of a movie, or during sports.  It is highly recommended to not sit next to R during these times, as it is highly likely that her flailing arms might make contact.  Pillow armor is suggested.

Rule 349: Must always follow something sweet with something savory/salty when snacking.

It must be noted however on R’s Rule 349.  I don’t agree.  I personally prefer to end on the sweet.  🙂

Have a good day everyone!  Much love to ya!

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Memories

I was watching a movie tonight.  And a scene inspired my brain to run a million miles a minute.  I had to go look up the line from the script so that I could share it with you all.

I tell you, I just….
I just wish I could have a piece of her that I could keep safe, you know?

Just something.

Something more than a bunch of memories.

Memories.  It’s interesting to me how broken we get when something that we thought was our entire world… gets reduced to memories.  A lost love, a death, or even a rejection of some sort… when we feel that something has been stolen from us, even when that something was only a dream… it evokes a strange pain.  A loss that we have to grieve and accept in order to move forward.  And then things change and shift and all that is left are the memories of it.  It’s almost like we have to grieve the dream of what was.

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Almost makes one reconsider what the worth of a memory REALLY is?

If memories are all we have to take with us, if they are all we get to cling to on those lonely nights when it’s just us alone with our thoughts… then why do we put so little value on them?  Why do we get so caught up in all the strange bullshit that we do, when we should really be trying to savor every single delicious moment that we have – because in the end, it will only be a memory.

This evening I was reminded… oddly by a movie that I haven’t seen in a long time… that sometimes, you just have to let life flow.  There are things that happen that are out of your control- and that if I just hold on to the memories from my past, and relax and keep creating new memories… that somehow, it’ll all work out in the end.

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you this evening.

XXO!

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When you’re given a rare and unusual gift…

I have what feels like a million thoughts flying through my head at the same time, so please forgive me if this post is a little scattered.  I’ll do my best to control myself, but the way I write is to literally let words fall out of my head.  I can type easily 150 words per minute, more when I’m angry or particularly passionate, so it’s easier to keep up with the thoughts that fly through.

I’ve been given a strange gift.  I’m choosing to look at it this way, at least for now.  🙂

About two weeks before xmas, I invited my children’s nanny to rent the spare room from my basement.  She was in an odd situation and the room was just empty and sitting there, so I offered it to her and her daughter.  It’s been fun to have a two year old in the house again, although holy cow did I forget how much child-proofing a place needs!!  We’ve loved having her here, although of course, moving someone into your home takes a bit of adjustment.  There are certainly things that I’m sure we drive each other nuts on, and that’s to be expected.  Thankfully, things seem to be fairly smooth.

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She’s an interesting girl.  Very different from myself, but not in a bad way or anything. I’ve enjoyed getting to know her and her daughter more.  And being that we’re both single mom’s, we do share some things in common.  One of those, being an interest in men.  The topic comes up often.  Her approach is VERY different from my own.  Again – not bad… not wrong… just different.  It reminds me of how I acted in relationships when I was younger, before my own life experiences led me to become a different person with a completely different approach to people.  And here’s where we get to the gift…

I’m getting to witness (from an outside perspective) – ME… when I was younger.   The mistakes I would make, the insecurities I felt, the highs and lows of over-dramatic relationships.  HOLY CRAP!  Looking back now… hoo boy!  I’m suddenly very thankful that people mellow a bit with age.  At least I have.  I may have struggling levels of confidence in my physical appearance, but my confidence in who I am at my core is stronger than it’s ever been.

This girl has commented a few times that she’s looking at me as a mentor.  She thinks I’m strong and never get discouraged.  I laughed when she said that.  I get discouraged.  Hell – when I’m really let down, I’ll even hide under the covers and have a good cry when I need to.  But I don’t quit.  Not if something is really worth it.  But to me – what other choice do you have?

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So this past week, she started seeing someone new.  I won’t go into too much details, but let’s just say that there’s been some drama – and what surprises me, is that instead of having that drama be a red or yellow flag to caution her to move forward… she’s fangirling like a clingy, love-obsessed, crazy-ass, future-tripping girl.  It’s been quite shocking to see someone who is my age go through this.  Eye-opening really.  And I can’t quite pin-point if I’m happy to have my eyes opened or not.  At one point, in my life, I acted like that.  And now, even just thinking of acting like that would be … embarrassing.  I mean, I get it… new love is exciting!  It’s the clingy and the crazy that I don’t agree with, and future tripping, I try to avoid, as it usually leads to disappointment.

On the bright side, I can clearly see how far I’ve come.  I can also clearly see something I don’t and wouldn’t want.  I have this desire to build something healthy with someone.  Something real and long-lasting.  I know that the person for me is out there, and I oddly have this strange comfort in knowing that eventually – we’ll find each other.  I will just keep moving along!

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On a completely unrelated topic… my side business … hoo boy!  Things are moving along so quickly – it’s almost hard to keep up.  The retail space that was supposed to be a test store for only 2 weeks is still going – they asked us to just keep it up permanently.  We’ve got an offer to join amazon and sell there; and I’ve got an opportunity to take on a booth at an event that’s coming up.  Technically there are a few coming up – but I’m considering signing on for February 9th – see if I can’t get any valentine’s sales.  The trouble is… I can’t seem to keep the stock on-hand.  I know – it’s a good problem to have, but at the same time, it’s frustrating.  I don’t want to take too much on at once and then fail.  I wanted to build this business slowly, to ensure that it would do well, but it’s taken on a mind of it’s own in some cases and is just plowing ahead! 🙂 I have a feeling I’ll have to hire at some point in the coming year.  Oy!  🙂

Hope you’re doing well!! Much love to all of you in Neverland.

 

Since when did people become so scared?

Maybe it’s the aries in me, but if there’s one thing I struggle to empathize with others on, it’s fear.  I can understand and even relate to fear – it’s the inability to move forward when facing fear that bothers me.  When did people become chickens?  It seems as if society runs from things today – commitment, relationships, sex… love.  Especially love.  What the heck is so scary about love?!  Ok – yes, it has the potential to leave you breathless and in pain… but it also has the ability to help someone soar to new heights!  What a thrill!! What an honor!!  Oddly – it’s not looked at like that these days tho.

What seems to be my pattern tho… I find and meet people who are on extreme sides of the pendulum swing, but rarely sit squarely in the middle.  This past year, I dated a little – or at least attempted to.  I was contemplating the past year this morning, when it dawned on me that there’s a pattern to the folks I’ve met that I’ve overlooked.  They are either obsessed with love and their own loneliness – to the point where they almost seem to not care WHO they choose to date or love – ugh, no thanks. These men are the wounded birds who are still struggling with their own demons and truly should NOT be dating people yet OR… they are complete and utter chicken shits where the moment things start to get interesting – they turn and flee with their tail between their legs.  I’m sorry, but what the literal F?!  They’ll say all these lovely things to you, make you feel like you’re special, but when push comes to shove and it’s time to shit or get off the pot – it’s a giant no go.

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I’ve come to a very nice conclusion – I’m not patient enough for that shit.  I’m just not. And if that’s the game that is dating these days – I’m also just not interested.  I barely have time as it is in my day – between my full time job, my side business, my kids, and then trying to maintain the few friendships that mean something to me… Who has time to play games with chicken shit cowards who ultimately just seem to want to play mind games with someone and then move on to play mind games with someone else – all the while – complaining about how hard dating is and how things just aren’t the way they should be.  Hmm… suck it up buttercup!  Perhaps look at the behaviors you’re putting out there and realize that perhaps you’re partially responsible for your own bad luck?!

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I don’t do new years resolutions – but before this morning’s epiphany, I’d have said that one of my goals for the new year is to practice patience… but the more I think about it, maybe that’s where we women have gone wrong.  We’ve been practicing patience with these douchey dudes for FAR too long!!  I say, maybe 2017 is the year that I embrace my inner aries a bit more.  I’ll be patient with my children, with work, and the general public, I’ll practice empathy and understanding with every human being I connect with – however… what I will not do this year – is give empathy and patience to the chicken shits of the world.  If you’re scared – fine, I can respect that – even understand and honor that – but if your solution is to do nothing, to change nothing, to remain stagnant in the same place that you say you abhor… then my only response should be to walk away.  It’s not my job to force someone to move forward.  I’m too busy plowing ahead in my own world!

This year, I have two main focuses that I think I’d like to attempt.  One, is my side business.  My hope is to build it from a side business, to a full-time business and I’m confident that I’ll achieve that goal.  The way I’ve set things up, I know I’ll hit my targets.  (Look out LUSH, I’m totally gonna take you on at some point! Hehe)  The second goal is involving my love life.  It’s time for me to find my person.  A partner in crime, a best friend, a lover… I know – weird subject to make it’s way into my goals.  I’ve lightly dabbled in going on a few dates last year, but ultimately, kept coming to the realization that perhaps I just wasn’t ready.  I didn’t know myself or what I wanted.  After taking a good solid year to explore myself and my desires a bit more in depth – I finally feel good.  I feel ready.  My standards are firmly in place and I feel confident that my person is out there, somewhere. Someone who’ll knock my socks off, and be perfectly at ease with me loving the shit out of them.  🙂  I feel quite hopeful about it all, let’s just hope that sticks around. Hehe.

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And to you, my friends in Neverland… I invite you to join me.  Stand up for what you deserve!  If there’s something you want in your life – reach out and take it!!  Find the courage to strike out and do something a little different!  We only get this one life, so let’s make the absolute most of it this year!  Cheers!!