That moment when you feel SEEN

Today’s post will be a bit short – but there’s something i’ve been mulling on for a couple of days and I thought i’d share it with y’all. There is something so intoxicating about feeling seen and heard. When someone you’re trying to connect with not only connects with you -but truly sees you – for all your messy glory. Isn’t that exactly what we all strive for? Whether it’s in dating, with friends, with family – even with coworkers. Connecting with others doesn’t matter if they don’t see you for who you are.

This happened to me recently and it put me in a spin – the good kind. 🙂 Granted – this person also called me out in some of my truths. And that’s not always super comfortable. They called me out for being a lonely person. And at first – my reaction was horror. You SAW that?! I don’t want anyone to see or recognize that. That’s supposed to be a secret!! But then I had to think about it some more… why is my reaction to a statement of truth embarrassment or shame?

I supposed we’ve all been there tho. You know that moment I’m talking about. When you realize that perhaps you’ve been misunderstood. When perhaps the people you needed to really KNOW you – show that maybe they don’t fully understand you. And your heart squeezes in longing. A longing to connect at a different depth. To be understood. To be seen and welcomed and accepted and dare I say, even loved.

It’s not shameful to have only a select few people who know and see me for who I really am. Besides- who said we were going for quantity here? It’s all about the quality baby!! 🙂 I keep telling myself that I AM accepted. I AM welcomed and loved by many – but I also recognize that so very few actually know me at any real depth. The very few people who know me at my core and love me for who I am are wonderful amazing people who I am grateful that I have. That said – I think the shock was in realizing that someone else could pick up on the fact that I’ve been wishing to add a few more to what I lovingly refer to as “My tribe”.

Feeling seen… and validated … does something else too. It empowers a person to feel more confident in continuing to be who they are. Maybe this is what the world lacks these days – people are so busy either trying to show the world who they are that they don’t take a moment to see the person standing in front of them. Or worse – people only see a piece and assume it paints the whole picture.

I think that’s all I’ve wanted, for most of my life, in fact. For someone to see me – at my core -and still care about me and love me enough to want to stick. The only one who’s done that up to this point – is me. And that’s ok too. 🙂

So to you – my readers – I ask – who have you spent time to SEE today? Who do you feel seen by?

Talk soon neverland.

The most epic of epic updates

Hello my dearest of dear readers. I realize it’s been quite literally more than half the year since I’ve written in this blog. But – I think perhaps you’ll forgive me when you learn a bit more about what I’ve been up to. I think i’ll just start where I left off…

I was struggling – with work, with myself, with trying to figure out what to do next in my world. So I did the unimaginable. I quit my job as Director and decided to do some serious traveling. I made two trips down to the caribbean – US Virgin Islands. In February and again in April.

There is something so healing about those blue waters, I get lost in them. I have always been a water baby… but there is something magical about an ocean that I can swim in without fear of hypothermia. I would literally spend 8 hours at a time just swimming and exploring. At some point – I’ll detail out all the fun travel stories – and believe me, there were MANY.

When I returned home, I worked for a short couple of months in a temporary position…. cuz dollar bills y’all…. and then realized I wasn’t done traveling. I booked a camper van for an entire month and decided to whisk me, my two children and my two dogs away on an adventure of a lifetime. We plotted our course – the goal was to make it all the way to the coast of texas and back. We would look at properties along the way – as I had it in my head that I wanted a vacation property – something I could enjoy once the kids were grown and off living their own lives (which for one of my kids is happening right now – the other still has a good 9 years to go).

It truly was the trip of a lifetime -for all of us in different ways. I think in some ways – that trip pushed me to learn new things about myself, and what I’m capable of as a single woman, as a mom, and as a friend.

There’s more to say there – but I promise they will become blog posts all on their own.

So far, this year, I’ve worn bikinis, I’ve climbed mountains, I’ve rescued a group of tourists and taught another group how to kayak. I saved a woman from drowning and held her in my arms as she had a seizure. I danced in the rain, and sang to the sea. I made friends at every turn and opened my heart to new experiences, new perspectives and new adventures at EVERY SINGLE TURN.

While in St Croix, I made a new friend had to go visit her in Dallas when I returned from my crazy road trip adventure.

Dallas was another level – and just added to the learnings I had while traveling. This time, I went as just me, no pets or kids. We went shopping and I danced around the store when I learned I was down 5 sizes from what I thought I was.

Everywhere I go – I’m learning that my energy is magnetic. It pulls people to it. 🙂 And it’s incredible.

When I returned home, I realized that purchasing property far away just didn’t make sense. So I decided to invest in myself instead. I’ve leased a commercial building and spent a couple of months turning it into a studio space. And now- here I sit in a space that feels INCREDIBLE. We will be doing a photoshoot so that I can properly show it off to the world – but i’m working on my books (yes – plural! 2 comic books!!)

Life is fricken fantastic. It’s been a LONG time since i’ve been able to say that. I’m living my BEST life and feel DAMN proud of every single second. I’m doing well still with my weight loss – but more than that – I know my worth. I see myself as a beautiful woman with a lot to offer the world. I no longer need to question whether or not I’m worthy. I KNOW it.

And it’s fucking amazing. 🙂

So, to those of you who still read this blog – please know that i’m going to be updating a hell of a lot more often. I’m going to show you the studio and share some travel stories and even share my comics because I’m fiercely proud of them and they’re BADASS! 😀 hehe.

Much love, dear readers. I hope you’re still holding on and that the pandemic and quarantine haven’t completely broken your spirit. If you’re close – and barely holding on – just know – I’m here for you. You aren’t alone. And if I can do it – we can do it with you together too. 🙂

Just a little update on my lunch break

It’s my first day back at work after having a lovely holiday vacation.  It was challenging to get up early this morning – serves me right for not at least trying to stick to my normal schedule.  But ultimately, it feels good to be back to work, and so far, today I’ve been very productive.  It’s nice to know I only have a few more hours left of my day.

Did you all have a nice holiday?  Honestly – I think I can say that this has been the best holiday I’ve had in a long time.  It was spent relaxing and doing the things that I wanted to do.  I visited my grandparents and hung out with friends.  I stayed up late watching comedy and binge watched a few new shows.  Christmas morning, we had our annual nerf and silly string battle.  It was pretty epic this year, as I managed to secure an entire case of silly string.  What a giant mess THAT made – but was soo worth it! 🙂

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I’ve been dating someone.  I know – shock!! We’ve been seeing each other since October and over the holidays – we officially became a couple.  I’m so happy and content right now.  I’m not typically the type of girl to sit and gush about someone – especially in a public forum – but I honestly cannot help myself.  Meeting him, falling for him, loving him… it was all unexpected.  I was perfectly happy and content being single and staying that way.  Who knew?!

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This man makes me light up.  I’m confident and comfortable when I’m with him.  Yea – I’ve had a few moments of anxiety pop up – but what’s interesting to me is that even when they do – I can usually spot them for what they are.  Old habits that are hard to kill off.  Old insecurities that have no relevance with him.  So it’s been fairly easy to squash those icky worries when they pop up.  He’s met all my close friends.  And shockingly – even my brother likes him!! That has NEVER happened before, in ANY of my relationships.  So I’ll call that a huge win.  At some point, I’ll introduce him to the rest of my family – although I’m in no rush there.

It was my children who ended up showing me just how different this one is.  In the past – they were kind of indifferent to anyone I dated.  In some cases, that was simply because they didn’t get to know whomever I was seeing (hey – a mom has to protect her babies!).  With my ex… they got to know him.  And although they liked him well enough – they never built much of a relationship with him.  With this man… it’s been different.  They got to meet him fairly early on, and he’s done an amazing job of making them feel included and special.  My son bragged about how he had a youtube watching snuggle and napping buddy to my step dad over the holidays.  Melted my heart to hear how much of an impact was already being had on my son – and scared the crap out of me all at the same time.  It’s one thing to risk my own heart – it’s another ball of wax to watch my kids open their hearts to someone, knowing they could get hurt too.  But I have high hopes.  I’m fairly certain this man understands that they are my world and that I would do anything to keep them safe and happy.

I’m enjoying the happy coasting stage… where life is just simple bliss.  Where there is comfort in knowing that I’m in love with someone who’s perfectly happy falling in love with me right back.  And even if this is all I get… and things don’t turn into something more… I’m grateful for all these feelings and all this joy.  I needed it.  More than I knew.  It’s shown me what I was missing, it’s shown me how much I’ve grown and how much I’ve really changed from the girl I was before.  I’ve had opportunities in my life – a few times in fact – where love has stared me in the face.  In some cases, I embraced it head on – and in others, I ran with my tail between my legs.  I’ve been hurt, and I’ve (unintentionally) hurt others.  It is the nature of life in all it’s glory.  Right now – my only plan is to keep going.  To enjoy and embrace everything I can when it comes.

Love to you all!  Goodnight Neverland.

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When I’m asked about Marriage…

My brother came to visit this weekend.  It was lovely to hang out and not have anything else going on (for once).  To get to sit down, chit chat about everything and nothing, watch a flick, eat some good food… it was needed.  🙂

One of the topics that came up – quite often, actually – was marriage.  His in particular, but also the concept in general.  Would I ever get married again?  I think I’d resigned myself to stop giving advice in regards to marriage about 4-5 years ago.  I think it was the moment my second marriage ended that it dawned on me that perhaps I shouldn’t be giving out advice.  That maybe marriage wasn’t meant for me  😀  But that’s ultimately, selling myself short.

My first marriage – I was young.  I’d been with the man for 6 years and felt that I was making a sound decision.  And – in the scheme of things – had I not married him, I’d not have had my daughter.  So – I can’t say it was all bad.  And how could I have possibly known that marriage would turn the man into someone else?  We were only married for two years – so in general – I don’t typically count it for much.

My second marriage lasted 12 years.  I came into my own.  Grew up.  Really learned what it meant to become a wife… and a mother.  I was good at it.  All of it.  I packed lunches with love notes, I kept a tidy house, always had everyone’s favorite food and beverages stocked on hand… Anything that was asked of me – was handled.  I am naturally quite affectionate and always up for anything – be it adventuring somewhere, or snuggles on a couch.  I was always loyal and never strayed.  Did my best to never do anything that would disrespect myself or my relationship.  It was this relationship that taught me the true meaning behind being a partner.  What it meant to stay … even when everything tumbled around you.  Perhaps I’m an odd duck – I don’t look back at my marriage as a failure at all.  I look back and see it as a stepping stone for me becoming who I am today.  A strong, independent, caring, giving, funny woman.  Someone who always tries to see the good in others or in a situation.  And in many ways – I was always her… but time has helped me in many ways.  I’m more patient now.  I listen better.  I speak up more and try and compromise more.  I’ve also learned that all of those expectations that I had of myself in my marriage … were both not enough – and too much.  You see… I could have never known that we’d have a son.  I’d have never been able to see into the future and see how losing that son would break us all.  What’s interesting tho… we’re not broken anymore.

My ex and I manage to co-parent pretty well.  Of course there are times when we frustrate each other… but don’t we all?  That is the joy of being human.  We work together as a team to provide for our kids in the best way that we can.  And for the most part… I consider myself lucky to have him in my life.  I know that my children will never wonder, as I did, why their dad doesn’t want to be in their life.  He wants it.  He tells them regularly how much he loves them and I’m sure he wishes he had the ability to provide more.  I respect him for that.  And what’s interesting – he makes a point to let me know just how much he respects me for all that I did.  I know his fiance gets uncomfortable when she hears him say how amazing of a wife I was… I wish she understood that him sharing that doesn’t in any way undermine his love and devotion for her.  And it’s not him comparing her and I in any way.  She’s amazing – and we’re all incredibly grateful that she’s in our lives.

Would I marry again?   Yes.  And that’s a resounding YES.  But with lots of caveats and me saying “however and but”.  When it was brought up this weekend, my response was leaning more towards a NO.  It surprised my brother to hear it.  He saw me when I was married.  He knows what kind of partner I am to someone.  My NO wasn’t because I’m scared of it.  I would love to find myself in a situation in the future where I had a partner.  A true partner.  Someone to laugh with and grow old with.  To cook for and travel with.  Someone who actually understands me (as I’m not convinced either of my ex husbands ever really did).  Someone who lets me into the deeper darker regions of their heart – someone who trusts that I would never intentionally hurt them and would lay my life on the line to keep them safe and happy.  Ultimately – someone who feels as I do.  But the thing is… I’d have to be absolutely sure that they reciprocated those thoughts and feelings with me.  I’d have to feel safe again.  Safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable again.  It’s possible… and ultimately, I know the right man is out there for me.  So who knows… maybe some day.

I think the other thing that doesn’t sit well with me – is what’s the damn rush?  LOL.  I mean – yea – i’m the girl who likes to know where she stands in a relationship.  In fact, I’d say for women like me ,it’s why we ask to put labels on our relationships to begin with – so we understand what’s expected of us.  What role are we to play in this relationship?  Once we know … we get to what I like to call “the coasting stage”.  This stage is bliss.  Where you can spend many years happily coasting along with someone.  To me – this is the zone to aim for.  If things progress from there – cool beans – but if they don’t – i’m ok with that too!  Because at that point – you’re happy in the coasting stage so it doesn’t really matter.

I really AM an odd duck.  Between my buddy M, my brother, and a few other male friends, I’ve had the privilege of seeing what it’s like to date women.  And can I just say – for the record – Women can be NUTS.  Seriously … nuts.  Yea – men can be crazy too – don’t even GET me started on some of the horrendous dates I’ve been on.  But some of the stories I’ve heard – some of the behavior I’ve witness from my fellow ladies… DAMN.  And if that’s what men have been dealing with – then I’d wager that dating me would come as a bit of a shock to the system.  As I’m VERY different.  But then again – they’d probably be more likely to assume I’m just like every other woman out there – and not likely get the chance to show them that I’m not.

So … brother dear… when I don’t give you advice on your new marriage… it’s not because I don’t care, nor is it because I lack advice to actually GIVE.  Marriages… hell – relationships are all about growth and learning.  These tests you face – are yours, and I’ll cheer you on from the sidelines – but I won’t necessarily share with you.  And who knows – maybe someday – i’ll join you in the journey again.  I’m pretty damn happy and content where things are right now, and that’s certainly enough for me.

 

Releasing a swirl of thoughts from my head

I’ve been itching to get online and type for a few days now.  Sometimes, you just need to write and find some sense of release from the swirl inside your head.  So many topics to potentially write about.  So, per my usual, I may skip around a bit and talk about a little of each of those swirling topics.

Self Esteem.  It’s interesting to me that the world is focused on whether you have it, or you don’t.  Apparently it’s a mystical black and white kind of hero achievement that is unlocked somewhere along the journey of life.  But the truth of it is… it’s a bit more like an ocean of grey.  It ebbs and it flows.  I have good days and then I have days where I question myself and everyone around me.  Of course, this is all happening only inside my head.  But still.

Intuition.  One person’s intuition could lead them down the exact opposite path as someone else’s.  So then, what is it?  According to the dictionary, it’s an inherent knowledge of something without having read it or learned it purposefully.  So it’s a knowledge from deep within. But that doesn’t mean it’s always accurate.  I wonder if the notion of a red flag in someone points back to this?  Or any flag for that matter?  Something that triggers an intuition in a potential mate.  Yes – i’m weird that my brain landed here.  It’s ok… I promise.  See – this came up because I’ve been struggling with something that hasn’t been sitting right with me about someone.  I can’t quite put my finger on it, which is making it worse.  So I’m trying to figure out the why’s.

Weight loss.  I slog on in my journey.  I’m weary from this adventure… but I have finally pushed through my plateau.  I’m determined to continue to make progress.

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In 2013, I weighed over 400 pounds.  OMG. I’ve typed and deleted that a few times.  Do I really dare to share this?!  But yes.  It’s true. I still have easily another 50 to go for me to hit my target.  I feel good… I’m hopeful.  But in all truth… tonight… I’d kill for piece of pie.  We don’t do thanksgiving.  I love our family traditions that we do instead – however… and quite simply.

I. Miss. Pie.

And not apple pie – ew. No.  A custard pie, or a pumpkin pie… or even a pecan or berry pie.  Peach is always lovely too!  LOL.  Pie.  With a flaky, golden, buttery crust.  Sigh.  But yay for weight loss!!

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Dating.  I’ve dipped my toe in a couple of times in the past two years, and I’m not convinced it’s for me.  Add to the fact that I have a pretty full life… how do you add to that?  How do you make room for the potential of someone else when you have no idea who that someone else could possibly be?  I have friends encouraging me to date, and for the most part… it’s been a pleasant experience.  But I’ve also learned that I must be a bit of an oddball in the world.  Or at the very least, in the circles I’ve crossed.  I’m not looking for casual sex or friends with benefits.  That simply does not do it for me.  I want the close companionship just as much as I want all the fun sexy time! So because of that, I don’t immediately jump into the sack with someone.  Apparently it’s viewed as old fashioned.  I’ll hold off until it’s right -which could be date 8 and could be never… and men – who at first say they support that, in the long run are surprised to find out that you actually mean it.  Sex should be magical!  The power that each person has over the other… to make a breath catch, or to cause goose bumps.  To create an explosion of delight in someone else – that is a magical thing.  It makes me sad when I hear how some people have lost (or have never had) the ability to revel in it… but I can’t do that with a stranger.  Someone I don’t respect or care about.

That sounds too scary for me.  I’ll pass.

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