Just a little update on my lunch break

It’s my first day back at work after having a lovely holiday vacation.  It was challenging to get up early this morning – serves me right for not at least trying to stick to my normal schedule.  But ultimately, it feels good to be back to work, and so far, today I’ve been very productive.  It’s nice to know I only have a few more hours left of my day.

Did you all have a nice holiday?  Honestly – I think I can say that this has been the best holiday I’ve had in a long time.  It was spent relaxing and doing the things that I wanted to do.  I visited my grandparents and hung out with friends.  I stayed up late watching comedy and binge watched a few new shows.  Christmas morning, we had our annual nerf and silly string battle.  It was pretty epic this year, as I managed to secure an entire case of silly string.  What a giant mess THAT made – but was soo worth it! 🙂

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I’ve been dating someone.  I know – shock!! We’ve been seeing each other since October and over the holidays – we officially became a couple.  I’m so happy and content right now.  I’m not typically the type of girl to sit and gush about someone – especially in a public forum – but I honestly cannot help myself.  Meeting him, falling for him, loving him… it was all unexpected.  I was perfectly happy and content being single and staying that way.  Who knew?!

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This man makes me light up.  I’m confident and comfortable when I’m with him.  Yea – I’ve had a few moments of anxiety pop up – but what’s interesting to me is that even when they do – I can usually spot them for what they are.  Old habits that are hard to kill off.  Old insecurities that have no relevance with him.  So it’s been fairly easy to squash those icky worries when they pop up.  He’s met all my close friends.  And shockingly – even my brother likes him!! That has NEVER happened before, in ANY of my relationships.  So I’ll call that a huge win.  At some point, I’ll introduce him to the rest of my family – although I’m in no rush there.

It was my children who ended up showing me just how different this one is.  In the past – they were kind of indifferent to anyone I dated.  In some cases, that was simply because they didn’t get to know whomever I was seeing (hey – a mom has to protect her babies!).  With my ex… they got to know him.  And although they liked him well enough – they never built much of a relationship with him.  With this man… it’s been different.  They got to meet him fairly early on, and he’s done an amazing job of making them feel included and special.  My son bragged about how he had a youtube watching snuggle and napping buddy to my step dad over the holidays.  Melted my heart to hear how much of an impact was already being had on my son – and scared the crap out of me all at the same time.  It’s one thing to risk my own heart – it’s another ball of wax to watch my kids open their hearts to someone, knowing they could get hurt too.  But I have high hopes.  I’m fairly certain this man understands that they are my world and that I would do anything to keep them safe and happy.

I’m enjoying the happy coasting stage… where life is just simple bliss.  Where there is comfort in knowing that I’m in love with someone who’s perfectly happy falling in love with me right back.  And even if this is all I get… and things don’t turn into something more… I’m grateful for all these feelings and all this joy.  I needed it.  More than I knew.  It’s shown me what I was missing, it’s shown me how much I’ve grown and how much I’ve really changed from the girl I was before.  I’ve had opportunities in my life – a few times in fact – where love has stared me in the face.  In some cases, I embraced it head on – and in others, I ran with my tail between my legs.  I’ve been hurt, and I’ve (unintentionally) hurt others.  It is the nature of life in all it’s glory.  Right now – my only plan is to keep going.  To enjoy and embrace everything I can when it comes.

Love to you all!  Goodnight Neverland.

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The end of an emotional weekend

What a weekend I had.  My daughter had a friend over for a sleepover, and while I will not divulge details about this girl, I will share that her mom, a dear friend of mine, passed away a couple years ago.  It was… absolutely heart breaking then, and shook me to my core.  I still think about her every single day. And it’s been a long time since we’ve spent time with that family. So this weekend has certainly left me feeling emotional…  And protective over children, in general.

Last night, she asked if we could take a moment and do a group snuggle – because she didn’t get that much at home these days.  My heart broke as I snuggled both girls for a while.  I stayed up way too late, snuggling and chatting with them.  Caught up on how her life had been since we’d last seen each other.  And it shook me all over again.  I tucked them in and stayed up tossing and turning over it all.  This morning, I took them out for breakfast.  Waffles with cotton candy on top – because .. that’s why.  Just because.

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Because maybe, a little extra sweetness, be it a snuggle, a kind word, a funny story, or even cotton candy on top of a rainbow waffle … with sprinkles…. will somehow put a smile on a kid’s face.  And if that happens… maybe she’ll be able to survive this horrendous childhood that she has had.  Yea – I know it’s a stretch.  But damn it… what else can I possibly do?! She now has a standing invite to come over regularly, as well as halloween and any other time she needs a snuggle… but even I know … It’s not enough.

It’s interesting how small your own problems can become in moments like these.  I’ve cried a lot this weekend… cried for her, cried for mother, cried for the unfairness of it all, cried out of gratefulness for my own children… ugh.  I’m done crying, and tomorrow, my still partially sick butt has to get up and go to work and get my head in the game.

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It’s funny, this isn’t how I’d imagined my weekend turning out – but I wouldn’t trade it.  Maybe I needed a reminder … that my problems and stress are small in comparison to what they could be.  That I have it so much better than some, and have given my children a world that is healthy and positive and full of laughter and snuggles and love.  I have to remind myself that I cannot hug everyone.  I can’t heal everyone.  That I have to be content with helping those that I can… and not get hung up on those whom I couldn’t.

Goodnight Neverland.  I wish you all the best.

Much love,

Jen

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The Rulebook of Life – According to me

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If you were to write a rule book – for life according to you… what would be some of the rules?   Not the obvious ones… as far as always being honest, upholding your own honor, not murdering people and such…

I mean the other things. Guidelines for how we live our lives, that make us unique to who and what we are.  The ones that we all seem to have… although perhaps subconsciously, which would make them challenging to actually pick up on.

A sampling of the Rulebook of Life according to Jen

Rule 13:  Coffee is a requirement for Jen, if she is to be expected to use her brain in a capacity that is more than her normal morning autopilot is programmed for.

Rule 97: Fuzzy blankets are required to properly watch a movie or binge TV.

Rule 389: Jen must always have the ability to pull her foot out of the blankets at night in order to maintain the correct body temperature.

Rule 413: When Jen gets home from work – she must be allowed 15-20 minutes to decompress, also known as the “Don’t Ask Mom For Anything” time.

Breaking this rule can lead to potential willpower melt-down and the mass consumption of chocolate or soft cookies from her secret stash.  Note: If you promise to never share knowledge of this secret stash – she may just share with you.

Rule 1022:  There are two places that make Jen anxious.  Hospitals and Airports, for very different reasons.  When Jen is anxious, she may need an extra hug, an extra smile, and a little extra patience.  She also may need a swift kick in the ass to make her go to these places.  Use force as deemed appropriate and necessary. Bribes work too.

Rule 1031: Sometimes, Jen just needs a snuggle.  For no reason at all.

LOL.

Yea … I know…

I’m a dork.  But seriously – how cool would it be if you could see other people’s rule books?  I know my friend Ray’s would have things like

A sampling of the Rulebook of Life according to Ray

Rule 124: One must yell at the TV during scary parts of a movie, or during sports.  It is highly recommended to not sit next to Ray during these times, as it is highly likely that her flailing arms might make contact.  Pillow armor is suggested.

Rule 213:  If in debate about what to wear on a date night – always err to the side of showing too much boob.  LOL.

Rule 349: Must always follow something sweet with something savory/salty when snacking.

It must be noted however on Ray’s Rule 349.  I don’t agree.  I personally prefer to end on the sweet.  🙂

Have a good day everyone!  Much love to ya!

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How can it be?

Can someone please explain how it’s possible to experience both, or even all sides of a spectrum at the same time?

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On one hand… I’m doing better than ever.  My kids are happier than ever.  Work is starting to take shape and I’m finding that I might even have made myself a role in the company that I can be excited about.  My side business is growing and the more I dive into it, the happier and more content I seem to get.  The holidays are coming up and I’m looking forward to them.  I have so much hope for the near future and what it holds for me personally.  And yet…

On the other hand… I have moments when I feel scared and lost and alone.  Wow – I won’t lie – that took a lot for me to type.  I think I’ve been trying to ignore it.  It’s this thing that’s been sitting on my shoulder for a few weeks and I’ve been doing my best to pretend it’s just not there – but like an elephant in a room that is too small, it can’t be completely ignored.  I give myself these silly pep talks occasionally.  Trying to give myself the courage to keep getting out of bed, to keep doing what I have to do, when sometimes… all I really want to do is sit down and hide, or find a friend and just cry and let it out.  Tho – truthfully – even THAT doesn’t seem to do much for me these days.  I’ve just never been much of a crier.  It doesn’t actually solve anything, and a lot of the times, only makes me feel worse in the long run because I tend to get headaches afterwards.

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I’m grateful that I got this job, as the bills were piling up.   As it is, it’s going to take me until mid December to fully be caught up and not be living paycheck to paycheck.  It’s kind of a foreign feeling.  To be working but not make enough to cover what needs to be covered.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in those shoes.  Helped remind me of how good I have it.

Maybe that’s part of my problem.  I know – compared to many – I have it good.  I live comfortably, my life isn’t full of drama or crazy levels of stress.  If anything – I’ve been leading a pretty boring life these days – as I’ve been busy working on my business when I have any spare time, so I feel guilty when I start to feel down.  What do I have to feel down about?!  And that’s the crux of the issue – I DO have things to feel down about.  People often think of me as this chipper and enthusiastic girl, “Ra! Ra! Be happy!  Stay positive! Go Team!”, what they don’t realize is that often, I do that more for myself.  To keep myself from feeling down.  That or I joke around – make people laugh. It’s only in the last 3 years that i’ve learned to allow myself to have moments where feeling down is ok.  Often, by feeling it – sitting with it for a little while – I move forward from it easier.  That is my hope tonight… I had a good day.  Not entirely sure I even understand how this mood crept up on me, but there it is.

My son is already tucked into bed, and my daughter is busy watching a show on netflix… and yet all I seem to want to do is swoop them both up and cuddle with them.  Instead, I’m sitting on my bed with my laptop writing here baffled at why I’m suddenly feeling so sad? Is it possible that I feel like I’ve just been lacking in hugs?  Is it wrong that a hug from my children… lately… isn’t quite satisfying enough?  Don’t misunderstand – I love hugging my kids… but it’s just not enough.

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Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you tonight.  Stay safe, wherever you are… and know that even tho we haven’t met, and we don’t know each other – you have my love.  🙂

Healthy Relationship Goals

When I was young… I sought out relationships.  I perhaps wasn’t always as choosy as I should have been.  Years of being made to feel like I wasn’t ever going to be good enough led me down a path where I happily accepted anything and everything that came my way – be it friendships and significant others.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to be more choosy in who I allow to enter my world.  I’ve learned that it’s not the number of friends, it’s the quality and health of the overall relationships that really matter.

I’ve always been the person who rushes into everything.  I’m impulsive.  Granted, I DO have self control… but I’m finding, at least lately, that the one quality I used to be proud of in myself… I’m holding back now.  That impulsive passion and enthusiasm that I get, about everything …. be it learning something new, a new project at work, a new friendship or new hobby or love… I’m learning to keep that in check a bit.  Taking things slow.  Learning to be someone’s friend LONG before even considering getting physical with them.  I mean, seriously – what IS the rush for?  If the people who enter your life are really meant to stay … then why are we in such a damn hurry to get across the finish line.  It’s not like the race ever really ends… and what on earth would you get for crossing it?  What… a wedding ring?  A child?  A divorce?  lol.

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It’s challenging… especially in today’s society.  And it’s not like a girl doesn’t have needs.  lol, but I’m feeling a little bit burnt out.  I’m finally starting to really like living alone.  I’m learning ME.  I’m immensely proud of myself and it’s strange because this isn’t really something you can share with others without sounding a bit foolish.  We’re taught to find a man, to settle down, get married, have kids…. that pressure is out there on us all on a daily basis.  Sometimes, it’s so subtle, I don’t even notice it at all.  But it’s still there.  And what’s funny – at least, for me, is that I’ve HAD all of that.  I’ve settled down, I got married, I had kids, I’ve been susie home maker and I’ve been the power suit wearing corporate working mom.  I have literally tasted ALL that society asks us to pursue.

Perhaps that’s why I’m enjoying this bit of soul searching I’ve done since buying this house.  I’ve been trying to figure out what the next big dream is.  I’ve been really enjoying the notion of holding off, on all fronts…. taking a moment to find and secure my footing before I do anything to shake up my world.  It’s certainly never anything I’ve done before.  It all feels healthy.  My goals for my life have shifted in new ways I wasn’t quite expecting.  I find myself just wanting a healthy relationship.  Keyword there is Healthy.  🙂  And for the first time in my life…. I feel like I’m certainly on the right path to eventually get there.  I’m learning to communicate my needs and wants and feelings in better ways.  I’m actively figuring me out.  And it’s really kinda awesome!

So to all of you out there…. single… looking for love… I highly encourage you to look at the opportunities you have to seek out what’s really healthy, thinking long term.  🙂  And to those of you who are settled down… or settling down… still racing… I ask you… What are you racing for and if/when you get it… what comes next?

Much love to you all.  Happy Thursday!

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