The Rulebook of Life – According to me

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If you were to write a rule book – for life according to you… what would be some of the rules?   Not the obvious ones… as far as always being honest, upholding your own honor, not murdering people and such…

I mean the other things. Guidelines for how we live our lives, that make us unique to who and what we are.  The ones that we all seem to have… although perhaps subconsciously, which would make them challenging to actually pick up on.

A sampling of the Rulebook of Life according to Jen

Rule 13:  Coffee is a requirement for Jen, if she is to be expected to use her brain in a capacity that is more than her normal morning autopilot is programmed for.

Rule 97: Fuzzy blankets are required to properly watch a movie or binge TV.

Rule 389: Jen must always have the ability to pull her foot out of the blankets at night in order to maintain the correct body temperature.

Rule 413: When Jen gets home from work – she must be allowed 15-20 minutes to decompress, also known as the “Don’t Ask Mom For Anything” time.

Breaking this rule can lead to potential willpower melt-down and the mass consumption of chocolate or soft cookies from her secret stash.  Note: If you promise to never share knowledge of this secret stash – she may just share with you.

Rule 1022:  There are two places that make Jen anxious.  Hospitals and Airports, for very different reasons.  When Jen is anxious, she may need an extra hug, an extra smile, and a little extra patience.  She also may need a swift kick in the ass to make her go to these places.  Use force as deemed appropriate and necessary. Bribes work too.

Rule 1031: Sometimes, Jen just needs a snuggle.  For no reason at all.

LOL.

Yea … I know…

I’m a dork.  But seriously – how cool would it be if you could see other people’s rule books?  I know my friend Ray’s would have things like

A sampling of the Rulebook of Life according to Ray

Rule 124: One must yell at the TV during scary parts of a movie, or during sports.  It is highly recommended to not sit next to Ray during these times, as it is highly likely that her flailing arms might make contact.  Pillow armor is suggested.

Rule 213:  If in debate about what to wear on a date night – always err to the side of showing too much boob.  LOL.

Rule 349: Must always follow something sweet with something savory/salty when snacking.

It must be noted however on Ray’s Rule 349.  I don’t agree.  I personally prefer to end on the sweet.  🙂

Have a good day everyone!  Much love to ya!

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How can it be?

Can someone please explain how it’s possible to experience both, or even all sides of a spectrum at the same time?

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On one hand… I’m doing better than ever.  My kids are happier than ever.  Work is starting to take shape and I’m finding that I might even have made myself a role in the company that I can be excited about.  My side business is growing and the more I dive into it, the happier and more content I seem to get.  The holidays are coming up and I’m looking forward to them.  I have so much hope for the near future and what it holds for me personally.  And yet…

On the other hand… I have moments when I feel scared and lost and alone.  Wow – I won’t lie – that took a lot for me to type.  I think I’ve been trying to ignore it.  It’s this thing that’s been sitting on my shoulder for a few weeks and I’ve been doing my best to pretend it’s just not there – but like an elephant in a room that is too small, it can’t be completely ignored.  I give myself these silly pep talks occasionally.  Trying to give myself the courage to keep getting out of bed, to keep doing what I have to do, when sometimes… all I really want to do is sit down and hide, or find a friend and just cry and let it out.  Tho – truthfully – even THAT doesn’t seem to do much for me these days.  I’ve just never been much of a crier.  It doesn’t actually solve anything, and a lot of the times, only makes me feel worse in the long run because I tend to get headaches afterwards.

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I’m grateful that I got this job, as the bills were piling up.   As it is, it’s going to take me until mid December to fully be caught up and not be living paycheck to paycheck.  It’s kind of a foreign feeling.  To be working but not make enough to cover what needs to be covered.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been in those shoes.  Helped remind me of how good I have it.

Maybe that’s part of my problem.  I know – compared to many – I have it good.  I live comfortably, my life isn’t full of drama or crazy levels of stress.  If anything – I’ve been leading a pretty boring life these days – as I’ve been busy working on my business when I have any spare time, so I feel guilty when I start to feel down.  What do I have to feel down about?!  And that’s the crux of the issue – I DO have things to feel down about.  People often think of me as this chipper and enthusiastic girl, “Ra! Ra! Be happy!  Stay positive! Go Team!”, what they don’t realize is that often, I do that more for myself.  To keep myself from feeling down.  That or I joke around – make people laugh. It’s only in the last 3 years that i’ve learned to allow myself to have moments where feeling down is ok.  Often, by feeling it – sitting with it for a little while – I move forward from it easier.  That is my hope tonight… I had a good day.  Not entirely sure I even understand how this mood crept up on me, but there it is.

My son is already tucked into bed, and my daughter is busy watching a show on netflix… and yet all I seem to want to do is swoop them both up and cuddle with them.  Instead, I’m sitting on my bed with my laptop writing here baffled at why I’m suddenly feeling so sad? Is it possible that I feel like I’ve just been lacking in hugs?  Is it wrong that a hug from my children… lately… isn’t quite satisfying enough?  Don’t misunderstand – I love hugging my kids… but it’s just not enough.

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Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you tonight.  Stay safe, wherever you are… and know that even tho we haven’t met, and we don’t know each other – you have my love.  🙂

Healthy Relationship Goals

When I was young… I sought out relationships.  I perhaps wasn’t always as choosy as I should have been.  Years of being made to feel like I wasn’t ever going to be good enough led me down a path where I happily accepted anything and everything that came my way – be it friendships and significant others.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to be more choosy in who I allow to enter my world.  I’ve learned that it’s not the number of friends, it’s the quality and health of the overall relationships that really matter.

I’ve always been the person who rushes into everything.  I’m impulsive.  Granted, I DO have self control… but I’m finding, at least lately, that the one quality I used to be proud of in myself… I’m holding back now.  That impulsive passion and enthusiasm that I get, about everything …. be it learning something new, a new project at work, a new friendship or new hobby or love… I’m learning to keep that in check a bit.  Taking things slow.  Learning to be someone’s friend LONG before even considering getting physical with them.  I mean, seriously – what IS the rush for?  If the people who enter your life are really meant to stay … then why are we in such a damn hurry to get across the finish line.  It’s not like the race ever really ends… and what on earth would you get for crossing it?  What… a wedding ring?  A child?  A divorce?  lol.

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It’s challenging… especially in today’s society.  And it’s not like a girl doesn’t have needs.  lol, but I’m feeling a little bit burnt out.  I’m finally starting to really like living alone.  I’m learning ME.  I’m immensely proud of myself and it’s strange because this isn’t really something you can share with others without sounding a bit foolish.  We’re taught to find a man, to settle down, get married, have kids…. that pressure is out there on us all on a daily basis.  Sometimes, it’s so subtle, I don’t even notice it at all.  But it’s still there.  And what’s funny – at least, for me, is that I’ve HAD all of that.  I’ve settled down, I got married, I had kids, I’ve been susie home maker and I’ve been the power suit wearing corporate working mom.  I have literally tasted ALL that society asks us to pursue.

Perhaps that’s why I’m enjoying this bit of soul searching I’ve done since buying this house.  I’ve been trying to figure out what the next big dream is.  I’ve been really enjoying the notion of holding off, on all fronts…. taking a moment to find and secure my footing before I do anything to shake up my world.  It’s certainly never anything I’ve done before.  It all feels healthy.  My goals for my life have shifted in new ways I wasn’t quite expecting.  I find myself just wanting a healthy relationship.  Keyword there is Healthy.  🙂  And for the first time in my life…. I feel like I’m certainly on the right path to eventually get there.  I’m learning to communicate my needs and wants and feelings in better ways.  I’m actively figuring me out.  And it’s really kinda awesome!

So to all of you out there…. single… looking for love… I highly encourage you to look at the opportunities you have to seek out what’s really healthy, thinking long term.  🙂  And to those of you who are settled down… or settling down… still racing… I ask you… What are you racing for and if/when you get it… what comes next?

Much love to you all.  Happy Thursday!

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Hope is a beautiful thing…

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Yup.  I saw this in my pinterest feed today and it really struck a nerve.  In a good way.  At some point, you have to get on with living.  Whether a person is recovering and grieving the loss of a friend, a relative, a broken relationship, a failed test, or even a disappointment at work.  There comes a point where you have to let go of the dreams and expectations of what was…and embrace what IS that is right in front of you.

It’s been a whirlwind of a few weeks, between dealing with my daughter and her ever changing needs, my son – who turns 5 tomorrow! I can’t believe it!!, work and my ever challenging but still amazing boss, or a whole host of other things… to say it has been busy is simply an understatement.  But what I’m finding to be quite interesting, is that I’m not feeling beat down by it.  Sure, I’ve had a few days here and there where I’ve questioned myself or felt a bit unsure, but I still plowed forward.  And today, was a good day.  🙂

At work, I had the opportunity to sit down and do some design and innovating.  It’s funny, it’s what people hire me to do for them, and yet I rarely actually get to sit and DO it.  It seems most of my days are filled with meetings and coaching and overseeing.  Rarely do I get the luxury to sit and just dream and let my imagination flow.  So because I got to do that today, I’m riding a bit of an inspiration high this evening.  I came up with something very interesting today.  Something incredibly unique, and it might not be THAT hard to pull off from an engineering perspective.  I’m very excited about it and can’t wait to take another couple of days to really bring the idea to life with more comps and drawings.  Then next week, I’ll pitch it… the company I work for would have to be bonkers not to do it.  🙂  It’s very exciting.  🙂

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One of my closest female friends challenged me almost a year ago to do an experiment on myself, in regards to my self esteem.  She told me to take 1 selfie per day.  Doesn’t matter if I hate it, I have to keep at least one from each day.  Now, truthfully, I didn’t remember EVERY single day… but I have put in an effort and have managed roughly one a week.    I HATE pictures of myself.  In fact, there are very few photos of me that I like.  I prefer to be on the other end of the camera. 🙂  So when J challenged me to do this, it wasn’t something I was enthusiastic about doing.  Tonight I flipped through them.  She was right.  As a collection… viewing them changed something for me.  I laughed at the ones that looked HORRIBLE.. I smiled at others that reflected how happy I was or how sleepy I was.  And as I finished up… the overall opinion I had on them, and me, and how I look….

I’m pretty!  And cute.  🙂  My god, it only took me 34 years to really understand and be able to say that and mean it.  I love my dimples, and freckles, my frizzy curls, my eyes that oddly change color when I’m wearing different things or near certain colors.  I love my nerdy glasses and the fact that most days I’m in a hoodie, yoga pants and flip flops.  I even love my squishy tummy.  It is me.  This body has been through so much, and it’s so damn strong!  I have curves, and a waist – something that I didn’t have years ago.  Here’s a few from the last few weeks.

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I’m enjoying life right now.  I’m enjoying finding myself, learning to be a home owner, spending quality time with my children and my family.  Is it strange that I can say that life is good right now?  Even with all the turmoil we’ve gone through in the last few weeks?  And that’s not me burying my head in the sand.

For the first time… maybe in my entire life, I truly have a sense of comfort.  I’m content.  And I have so much hope bursting in me for the future.  For my kids… but more than that.  For me.  Hope.  It’s a beautiful thing.  It’s not something I’ve felt in a very long time when it comes to me personally.  I think, as much as I don’t like to admit it, I’d been a bit burnt out.  Perhaps taking some time off was a good thing.  🙂

Well neverland, it’s time for me to get some sleep.  But if you’re still awake.. here’s a goodnight kiss to you.

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Sometimes, you have to circle the wagons

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My apologies on not posting anything in a bit, but I’ve been busy circling my wagons.  My main focus has been my daughter and son, work, and the house.  I haven’t been a very good friend to a few folks in the last couple of weeks, and although I feel guilty over it, I know that I’m doing the right thing.  I’m not planning any outings, no dates or events with friends.

My daughter came home from the hospital on Friday.  It was a lovely weekend with just her and me.  A lot of talking and sharing, crying and laughing.  We spent most of the weekend working on the house and doing artwork together.  We’re going to focus on our hobbies a bit.  The garden, and artwork will keep us occupied when we have some spare time.  Because I’ve had to take some major time off to take care of her, Work has gotten a bit behind.  I’ve got to really keep my head down and focus on getting caught up.

So to my friends and family… I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit distant.  I’m simply trying to keep my head above water – please have patience with me.

Much love to you Neverland.  Happy Monday.

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