Lead in to the holidays… with some frustration!

Hey – so it’s been a few weeks since I’ve written.  It’s been busy – prepping for the holidays, dealing with a very mean virus that pretty much put me down for the count for a solid week, working on my side business.  Life overall, has been pretty good.

BUT…

I also find that in the last couple weeks – my frustration is up, for many reasons.  There’s something about this time of year – it brings people out from their hiding spots to say hello.  In most cases, this is great, as I enjoy catching up with old friends and family.  But it’s the ones you wish would stay in their hiding spots that bother me.  Those people who are so desperate for affection or god knows what else during the holidays – who you don’t hear from any other time of the year.

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“Hey there…”  I get a message on my phone.  The number is not in my phone – therefore I immediately know that whomever this contact is, wasn’t warranted as being worthy of being added into my phone.  Approach with caution! lol.

“Who is this?”

“Oh hey – we talked briefly 3 years ago on OKCupid.. I kept this number.  What’s your name?”

Hold up… hold the phone.  There is so much that is wrong with this situation.  First off – you kept a phone number for someone you don’t know for 3 years all because at one point we talked on a dating app?  What the hell am I saved in your phone as, Girl No. 87?  Second of all – you reach out …. after 3 YEARS of NO contact… to what?  Continue the conversation out of the blue, as if I’ve been waiting patiently for you to respond?  UGH!

Few minutes later, I still haven’t shared my name… cue the dick pics.  Seriously dude?!  If I haven’t talked to you in 3 years, I’m not responding much right now, and you don’t find me on the dating site that we met on to begin with – what on EARTH makes you think it’s ok to send me dick photos?  Do you think that by receiving pics of Mr. Winky that I’ll fall all over myself to meet you, and then let you sleep with me where in all likelihood, you’ll get off and I won’t?!  Because obviously if you’re this desperate – your skills are likely lacking.  F-That!

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I met someone recently who managed to make my aries anger monster come out in full force.  It’s actually pretty rare that someone pisses me off, as I’m pretty even keeled in general.  I was having a conversation with a few folks at a sports bar – we were talking about the dating world and how things have changed over the years.  I had stated my opinion about sex.  That it would be nice to go back to a world where sex and intimacy is special.  Because it SHOULD be!  Sex is easy to get – love… not so much.  This asshat decided to inform me that my opinion on the matter sounded like a highschooler.  That I’m naive and immature for thinking that and that I should just learn to embrace casual sex because that’s the new way of the world.  Cue my disgust.

Fine – maybe I am a naive highschooler.  *sigh* No… F-That!  I know I’m not.

Maybe I’m just a grown woman who’s realized what’s important to her.  Maybe I’m someone who allowed the world and society to re-shape my thoughts and opinions on sex and I regret it to some extent.  What I should have said to this lowlife of a man was “Fine – maybe YOU don’t think sex should be special – perhaps that’s why you’re ALWAYS on the hunt for your next victim and why you’ll forever wonder when you’ll find the right girl for you.  The right girl for you is obviously a blow up doll, you asshat!”

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Now don’t misunderstand – I’m not saying sex should ALWAYS be special – cuz sometimes quickies are awesome, and sometimes the mood calls for something else entirely – but I am a firm believer that I should know the ins and outs of someone’s heart and mind BEFORE I get to know their dick.  If that makes me old fashioned or naive… fine.  I’ll own that.

A few of my friends have been giving me relationship and dating advice – and truth be told, I occasionally seek out their opinions.  But this weekend, it dawned on me that perhaps I’m done seeking other’s thoughts on my life.  As much as I value my friends, and I value their opinions and experience on things, I also realized that I’m not them.  I don’t, and won’t make the same choices they do, when it comes to my life.  It was a freeing feeling… although I doubt they’d be very happy to hear it.

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On another topic:  My side business is booming.  I’m so shocked and surprised.  Last week -we put up a retail display at a massage clinic/chiropractor care clinic.  It was just meant to be a test to see what kind of interest we’d have and to see how the display shelves held up.  The idea was that we’d get 2 weeks of time under our belt before xmas just to see how things go.  I had convinced myself to not be disappointed if we didn’t sell anything.  Imagine my surprise when on day 2, I got a phone call that they needed more stock!  I restocked those shelves 3 times last week!!  I’m thrilled, and surprised, and excited!

This past weekend was full of experiments on some new scents and new products.  Yesterday, my daughter and I tested some of our experiments out.  So far – everything we tested has been burning beautifully.  Next week – I’m going to play with making soaps, and I won’t lie – I can’t wait!  If everything works out the way I hope it will – I’ll have some new additions to the product line in January!  It’s strange – I never imagined I’d get into this stuff – candles and soaps and skincare.  But I LOVE playing the mad scientist!!  It’s a blast!!

Well – I better get on with my day!  Much love to you Neverland.

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It is 6am…

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I’m sitting on a couch at work, my shoes off and my feet up… a cup of coffee steaming next to me, headphones on playing a compilation of some of my favorite songs… I may be here physically, but mentally, I’m in Aruba.  Sitting on a beach, the waves crashing against the sand, a small breeze blowing over me.  Sigh.  Do I have to adult today?  Why can’t I just be a cat instead?  I’d like to lay about – snuggled in a blanket.  🙂

I’m on day 10 of the new job.  I’m not entirely sure I made the right choice coming here, but I’m trying to keep an open mind.  I’ve already had the unfortunate displeasure of discovering a few things about the business and how they’ve run things that I don’t agree with.  I guess we’ll have to see how open they are to allowing me to change things.  I had a meeting yesterday with some of the executives.  I was nervous going into it, mainly because I haven’t had the chance to get a solid read on them yet.  The folks who were a part of the meeting were awesome.  Gave me hope that I can make a difference here.  We’ll see how the rest of them are over time.

Tomorrow, I get to go with one of our customers and pretend to be a part of his business.  The goal is to understand what a day in the life of our customers is really like and see if there are areas we can improve or be of more use.  I’m excited about it.  I love doing these kinds of research projects.  I’ve got a list of about 100 questions that I hope i’ll get to ask – have to find ways to do it without sounding like I’m giving the 3rd degree.  🙂

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This weekend, I get to hang out with my best girl friend.  🙂 I’m looking forward to it.  The hours I’ve been working have taken a huge toll on my social life and it’s nice to know that I’m going to get a little break and get to sit and catch up on all the latest news and events within our social circle.

Well folks – better actually go do some work now.  🙂  Hehe.  Hope you have a lovely day!! Much love to you.

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I need to get some of this out

I’ve been hiding from my phone for the past couple of days.  Ok, maybe not hiding, but I plug it in and walk away from it.  I don’t want to be near it.  Families… weddings… I swear, weddings, funerals and babies bring out the crazy in people.  And typically – when the crazy comes out – someone gets hurt.

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I guess this time… that person is me.  I’m hurt.  Reeling actually.  I feel as if I’ve been singed and cut by someone I never thought I’d have to fear.

My “bro”.  He’s not related to me by blood, but we call each other “brother” and “sister”.  We met 13 years ago, he was my neighbor who lived with his then-girlfriend across the hall.  I swear, the first time I met him, I knew he was my brother from another mother. LOL.  We’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, but we were always there for each other.  He’s always been there for me.

I knew, as his wedding day approached that our friendship was about to change in a big way.  Ideally, I’d gain a cool sister out of the deal.  But she has never seemed to have much interest in that, we don’t share a lot of the same ideals, so I get it. Actually – I wish she understood exactly just how much I get it.  The Bro’s life is about to change in a pretty serious way.  His life now must be with her.  Up until recently, I’ve been excited to think about what is in store for their future… moving in together, babies, eventually buying a house, doing all the things that I know he wants to accomplish.  And I knew that our friendship would move to the very back… like nosebleed seats.  And I’m cool with that – hell – I’ve been pushing him in this direction.  I guess I figured we’d get through his wedding day first.  I was wrong.  And truly, I’m not sure our friendship can recover from this.  And if I’m honest, After all that was said, I’m not entirely sure I want it to.

I won’t spill all the details here… but I will say that I wish I could help some people see how much their words can damage.  How their tone and the way they approach other people will directly impact how their words are received.  I will also say that it takes a very brave and yet rather stupid man to judge another.  My bro laid out many of the decisions I’d made over the course of my life … pointing out my mistakes, effectively rubbing my nose in the areas he felt I didn’t measure up.  Not just in my past, but even now.  But he did all of this, only knowing bits and pieces of the story.  He judged me… and it came across with anger, disdain, disappointment and shame. His soon to be wife even joined in the “fun”.  She’d verbally attacked me prior to my bro letting me have it.  Screamed at me and said I was a horrible “best man”.  Ironic she did that when I was putting finishing touches on some bachelor party related stuff earlier that evening.  It was a hard hitting 1-2 verbal sucker punch from them as a couple.

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I won’t lie, that first 24 hours after they both let me have it… I was a wreck.  I broke down.  I bawled and went quiet.  I crawled inside my world and licked my wounds.  I wasn’t even angry, I was self-reflective.  I had to check myself… make sure that what he’d said wasn’t true.  I guess because I’ve been actively working on self-improvement, I had to really take a good look and make sure that there weren’t areas of his feedback that I needed to consider.  The next day, we spoke again and he apologized and tried to sweep it under the rug.  Even tried to deny some of what he’d said the night before.  I thanked him for the apology but stated that for me to feel comfortable attending the wedding and the festivities, that I would like an apology from his fiance/soon to be wife.    He agreed that I deserved it, but warned that I might not get it from her right away.  He laid out various reasons and excuses for why I should just let it go.  About 15 minutes after he said he’d talk to her and get back to me, my phone rang.  It was her, and I answered it pleasantly, as I didn’t want to start things off on the wrong foot.  She immediately started yelling – even yelled an apology.  Yea – cuz THAT feels totally sincere.  I hung up on her, and texted her that perhaps it would be better to move to text.  Honestly, I just didn’t want to be yelled at anymore.  We texted a little – but I pretty quickly gave up on that too.  So here I sit, no sincere apology and still feeling incredibly upset and uneasy a few days later.

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Yes, I could back down… I could suck it up and be there for him on his wedding day.  And likely – I will do this.  More for me than him.  I don’t want to feel guilty 10 years from now for not showing up.  And I’ll go into it knowing there’s the potential for drama, or daggers being thrown at me, there will be the potential for awkward uncomfortable silences, and even worse, a high chance that I will end up feeling used or insulted by the end of all of this.  I will suck it up, BUT… I’m done.  Or at least I think I am.  I’m going to just keep going down my own life’s path… because I’m dying to see what happens in the next chapters of my life.  To get thru this, i’m going to keep telling myself that it’s not my circus, and not my monkeys.

I’m a grown woman who’s made a successful, full and happy life for herself.  I’m a woman who has good, sweet, smart children who may stumble or struggle in their life in places, but who know without a shadow of a doubt that their momma loves them and would do anything to see that they are safe and well cared for.  I don’t deserve to be talked to or treated in that manner.  Especially when what is being said isn’t true.  At least I had that going for me, I knew, deep down in my heart that nothing they said was true about me… that it was being said out of spite and anger and jealousy.  But here’s the thing, even knowing that… it still hurt.  It was a different hurt tho.  This hurt came from knowing that the someone I trusted over the years is now throwing daggers… they are no longer worthy of my trust.  That perhaps I’d misjudged him all along.

So … because of all of this… I’ve been avoiding my phone. I’ve been staying off social media and just kind of hiding in my world.  I’ve had some shifts in a few friendships in the last few months… each of them shook me to my core for various reasons.  This one is no different.  What is interesting to me is that when I promised myself that I’d get healthy, even if that meant cutting toxic situations out of my life… I guess I didn’t realize how many of my relationships had toxic layers woven into them.  Maybe living on my own and staying single for a while truly WAS the best thing I could have done for myself.  I’m so glad I’ve done it up to this point.  I’ll have to watch myself moving forward… I’m putting up my walls with everyone – unintentionally.  And I don’t mean to.  I am just unsure on who to trust, vs. who will judge me or hurt me.  Easier to just put up the walls a bit.

I had an interview today – it went quite well.  I felt confident, for the first time in months actually.  A genuine confidence, not the kind where you fake it till you hopefully make it.  Maybe being shaken to my core this weekend was good for me.  Helped remind me who I am.  Where I’ve been, and more importantly, where I am headed.

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Sunday night thoughts

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Tonight I spent some time quietly just sitting and reflecting.  Truthfully, I don’t do this enough.  It has been a busy weekend.  We had friends and their children stay the weekend with us.  I don’t think the house has ever had that many people in it, let alone sleeping in it.  It was a lovely weekend, high in energy.  Today, some friends came over for a visit, we watched movies and played Uno.  It was a lovely way to finish out the busy weekend, but I think what really helped to calm and center me was simply to light a few candles and sit cross-legged on my couch and just be in the moment.

It’s interesting, society spends so much time trying to distract themselves from living in the moment.  Movies, video games, social media, food, alcohol, drugs…. all of these things we use to disappear into.  Trying desperately to fill a hole in their lives that they may not even fully realize is there, let alone have the know-how on filling it.  It would be a lie to say that I’m not one of those people.  But every now and then, typically after I’ve had a loud, overstimulating few days, I have to just stop everything and just breathe.

I think I know how to fill it.  I think it comes with time and age, and just learning to understand who you are at the core of your being.  And accepting it for what is. But I’m also good at trying to fill a void.  🙂  And there are a few for me… more than a few.  I have a rich and full life.  A wonderfully large family, whom I see often, a variety of friends who are as near and dear to me as family should be, I have my children who I have very close relationships with… even loving pets whom I adore.   And yet, sometimes, I’m lonely.  It’s silly really – as I rarely have alone time, so how on earth can one feel lonely… but it’s the honest truth.

I spent some time thinking about that too tonight.  Why do we desire to share our lives with someone else… especially when we think about the fact that the journey we each walk down is ours and ours alone.  So logically, if that’s the case, then you will never truly be able to share your life with someone.  OR… I suppose you could look at it the other way – you share your life with anyone and everyone who touches it… to what degree and the depth that you share will vary and depend on a variety of variables.  My god I sound like an engineer.  I know, I overthink everything! 🙂

I’ve been in the new house almost 3 months now.  It’s amazing how time flies.  Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here so much longer than that, and other times, it feels like it was just yesterday that we moved in.  I think a part of that is just because of the swirl of other tests life has thrown at me since we got here.  I’m so proud to be here.  To own my own place.  I have a solid plan in motion on getting it paid off, and in a few years, I intend to invest in something additional – either property or business-wise.  It’s fun, knowing that those goals are not only in front of me, but very much attainable.  🙂

I’m looking forward to the summer.  Between my little garden (next year’s will be bigger if I have anything to say about it), my art, my children, my work and my new kayaks… I think the summer days will be quite filled with a lot of fun.

I’m building a full on art studio in my house.  It’s been quite a thrill so far to start putting together.  When I’m finished, I think I will finally have my dream studio space.  It’ll take me a couple of years to really get it where I want to, but I will get there.  🙂  I’m even making one of the rooms a photography studio – something I’ve been dreaming of having for about 5 years now.

Little pieces of my life, long-loved interests and hobbies are all finally starting to come together and find a place in my life.  It’s interesting to me.  I’d never have guessed that it would take me risking everything and breaking out on my own in order to find confidence in being myself.  At my core, I always saw myself as being fairly confident… but it’s only the last 5 months or so that I really feel like I’ve come into my own.  I see myself now.  All of me.  Not just the good parts and not just the bad.  I care about my own well-being.  Funny, I think I’d stopped.  Maybe I had given up?  Maybe losing Ben and my husband and my family and my friends did more to me than I gave it credit for.

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In the last few weeks, I feel a bit like Andy, from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”; when he climbs out of the sewer pipe and strips himself from the final rags from the prison and just stands in the pouring rain, drinking it all in.  Living life, even with all the scary parts, with all the pain, or insecurities, the grief, … is a spectacular thing.  I wouldn’t give up a single moment of it.  And I refuse to be one of those people who sit by and just accept the monotonous daily grind… especially when adventures can begin anywhere with anything.

My daughter is learning about gardening this year.  She has a few plants that she is growing all on her own, and even something as simple as a strawberry plant… watching it grow from seed to plant, growing and tending it, and now… the joy of the first few berries… has been an adventure for us all.  Researching a new subject for a painting or cartoon is an adventure.  Going on a weekend to explore a new city is an adventure.  Exploring the nearby lakes with my new kayak, all the wildlife and amazing scenery – these are all the adventures I’ve got going on in my world these days.  And it’s these types of adventures… that continue to fuel me and bring me so much happiness.

So to you, Neverland, go have an adventure this week.  I know I will.  🙂

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Beginning to bloom

It was a lovely weekend, much of it spent in my yard.  My best friend, J came over and she and my daughter and I tackled the task of filling my front beds, as well as rescuing and potting some tomato plants from another friend’s yard.  My daughter decided she wanted to choose a garden bed and make it her own and it was lovely to see her thoroughly enjoying herself as she worked in the dirt with us.  This evening we walked the beds and just admired all our hard work, the tomatoes that were almost dead are now standing proud and now even have little yellow blossoms blooming.  We planted lavender, and gardenia, and daisies (one of my favorites).  We went a little crazy – but the front beds were completely bare – so it felt good to jazz them up.

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J was such a joy to hang out with this weekend.  She and I have a ball hanging out together, as we’re quite alike in many ways.  I find that anytime spent with her is usually spent laughing and just generally having a fun, good time.

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I am taking a trip up to Canada in a couple weeks and told her I wanted to pick up a few things before I go, so after spending some time in the garden, we went shopping.  While we were out, she found a dress that was within the restrictions I had placed on me.  I’m the “Best Man” for my brother’s wedding in September, and the bride has very specific tastes and requirements, it’s made finding a dress that I am also comfortable with VERY challenging.  When she held up this dress from the clearance rack – I was shocked and couldn’t contain my laughter, but then I looked at the size and thought “No way will it fit me.” She pushed me to try it on anyway.   And I hated it.  But guess what?!  It was TOO BIG!  J could grab 2 fistfuls of fabric in the back.  HOLY CRAP!

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It had me thinking… my brain has wired itself to believe it’s a certain size.  And now that I’m slowly dropping below that size, it’s strange and jarring to discover when I’m wrong.  It was a lovely feeling to be wrong.  That surprise however, did push me to go peek at other dresses and, shock of a lifetime, I purchased two on sale. (Side note:  I’m NOT a female who enjoys shopping.  Never have.  Unless we’re shopping at a nursery, a farmers market, a hardware or home shop or an art supply shop – then it’s game on!  But even then, I’m one of those people who is quickly in and then out.  I don’t have to go down every aisle and I like to just get it done.)

I didn’t get the rest I was hoping to get this weekend, but I’m happy that it turned out the way it did.  I got my new desk sorta put together.  The top needs to be secured on – but even as it sits right now – it’s not going anywhere.  We got a lot of the office set up, and I have a handy man coming on Wednesday to finish putting up some of the shelves I so desperately want for storage.  I’m tired of my stuff being in boxes.  Once the office is set up, I’ve made the decision to turn the spare room into a photography “studio” for J to use on a regular basis for Boudoir or anything else that seems appropriate.  I’ll set it up somewhat like a hotel room (which will be great for guests who stay over), and maybe one other scene/set up.  It will be a lot cheaper for J than renting hotel rooms for these events, and eventually, we could even find ways to swap out with additional furniture or backdrops and maybe even build some light boxes into the room.  It will be a fun side project.

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Oy!  I have a lot of side projects going on right now.  Between work, the garden, various projects around the house (plus we’re still unpacking), the various events and things my kids get into, and other activities planned out for the summer, it’s been quite a whirlwind.  And to top it off – I bought a kayak tonight.  🙂  I love going out, it’s just a simple one for lakes and rivers (for now), but I’ll take it.  🙂  It’s great exercise and I love getting out on the water.  Now I just need to go buy a new life jacket.

I am VERY excited for my little getaway in two weeks.  I really need a chance to take a breath.  To relax and just take a day or two where I don’t have to think about work, or my daughter.  I’ve arranged for everyone to be looked after, and I will hop on a plane on Friday and perhaps get a chance to explore a new city, meet someone new, eat some good food, check out a farmer’s market and just slow it down for a weekend.  I’ve booked what looks to be a nice room in a larger hotel, they even have a hot tub and a masseuse (YES PLEASE?!).  I’ll fly back home Sunday evening.  I’m a little nervous, as I’ve never been a huge fan of airports or flying, but I think it’ll be more than worth it in more ways than one.

I am incredibly hopeful for what lies ahead in my life.  There has been so much goodness popping up and blooming from so many sides.  Yes, there’s been stress… my daughter was sent home from school on friday again, she cannot return until Wednesday.  I can’t wait for summer to get here.  And I’m dreading it all at the same time.  We’re making progress with her – every single day there is progress.  It’s unfortunate that it’s not enough to help her be at 100% yet, especially when handling stress at school.  She has good days, and bad ones.  But me being home, working from home, getting involved in these hobbies together, other people are noticing small changes in her, positive ones.

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Tomorrow, I start on a new treatment for one of my health problems.  I’m excited to get started, and see if there’s a change or a difference made.  If it works, it could alleviate a few very frustrating problems that I have faced on and off consistently for many years.  Fingers are crossed in the hopes for success! 🙂

I’ve had a song stuck in my head for weeks.  It just won’t go away.  I adore the lyrics and keep repeating them over and over in my head.  I often have this problem with songs, but this one in particular just doesn’t want to leave my brain.  Thought I’d share it with you all in case you wanted to look it up and hear it.  🙂

It’s called “Certain things” by James Arthur

Something about you
It’s like an addiction
Hit me with your best shot, honey
I’ve got no reason to doubt you
‘Cause certain things hurt
And you’re my only virtue
And I’m virtually yours

[Pre-Chorus:]
And you keep coming back, coming back again
Keep running round, running round, running round my head

[Chorus:]
And there’s certain things that I adore
And there’s certain things that I ignore
But I’m certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours

[Verse:]
There’s something about you
It’s when you get angry
You have me as your mercy
And you’re like the shoulder to turn to
‘Cause certain things mend us when we’re hanging on for dear life
We held on so tight

[Pre-Chorus:]
And you keep coming back, coming back again
Keep running round, running round, running round my head

[Chorus x2:]
And there’s certain things that I adore
And there’s certain things that I ignore
But I’m certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours
Certain that I’m yours

I adore you… I adore you…
Certain that I’m yours

Well – it’s been a long day, I wanted to at least write an update to cover my weekend, but now I should probably get ready for bed and try and get some sleep.  And, to those of you still up – goodnight Neverland.  🙂  Talk again soon.

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