Can someone please explain how it’s possible to experience both, or even all sides of a spectrum at the same time?
On one hand… I’m doing better than ever. My kids are happier than ever. Work is starting to take shape and I’m finding that I might even have made myself a role in the company that I can be excited about. My side business is growing and the more I dive into it, the happier and more content I seem to get. The holidays are coming up and I’m looking forward to them. I have so much hope for the near future and what it holds for me personally. And yet…
On the other hand… I have moments when I feel scared and lost and alone. Wow – I won’t lie – that took a lot for me to type. I think I’ve been trying to ignore it. It’s this thing that’s been sitting on my shoulder for a few weeks and I’ve been doing my best to pretend it’s just not there – but like an elephant in a room that is too small, it can’t be completely ignored. I give myself these silly pep talks occasionally. Trying to give myself the courage to keep getting out of bed, to keep doing what I have to do, when sometimes… all I really want to do is sit down and hide, or find a friend and just cry and let it out. Tho – truthfully – even THAT doesn’t seem to do much for me these days. I’ve just never been much of a crier. It doesn’t actually solve anything, and a lot of the times, only makes me feel worse in the long run because I tend to get headaches afterwards.
I’m grateful that I got this job, as the bills were piling up. As it is, it’s going to take me until mid December to fully be caught up and not be living paycheck to paycheck. It’s kind of a foreign feeling. To be working but not make enough to cover what needs to be covered. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in those shoes. Helped remind me of how good I have it.
Maybe that’s part of my problem. I know – compared to many – I have it good. I live comfortably, my life isn’t full of drama or crazy levels of stress. If anything – I’ve been leading a pretty boring life these days – as I’ve been busy working on my business when I have any spare time, so I feel guilty when I start to feel down. What do I have to feel down about?! And that’s the crux of the issue – I DO have things to feel down about. People often think of me as this chipper and enthusiastic girl, “Ra! Ra! Be happy! Stay positive! Go Team!”, what they don’t realize is that often, I do that more for myself. To keep myself from feeling down. That or I joke around – make people laugh. It’s only in the last 3 years that i’ve learned to allow myself to have moments where feeling down is ok. Often, by feeling it – sitting with it for a little while – I move forward from it easier. That is my hope tonight… I had a good day. Not entirely sure I even understand how this mood crept up on me, but there it is.
My son is already tucked into bed, and my daughter is busy watching a show on netflix… and yet all I seem to want to do is swoop them both up and cuddle with them. Instead, I’m sitting on my bed with my laptop writing here baffled at why I’m suddenly feeling so sad? Is it possible that I feel like I’ve just been lacking in hugs? Is it wrong that a hug from my children… lately… isn’t quite satisfying enough? Don’t misunderstand – I love hugging my kids… but it’s just not enough.
Goodnight Neverland. Much love to you tonight. Stay safe, wherever you are… and know that even tho we haven’t met, and we don’t know each other – you have my love. 🙂