I know – not a very imaginative title. I may or may not change it. Tonight, I need you Neverland. I love it here. It’s a place that I feel safe to let anything out. Vulnerabilities and all. I like to posture and say that by sharing my vulnerabilities, it gives me strength. It’s a bunch of BS tho. I’m still not very strong. Today especially.
Today, I feel lost. Lost in a sea of my own making to some extent, as my life is my own, and the choices I’ve made over my life were mine. Part of me thinks, well.. Jen, it IS fall. You always get this way leading up to Ben’s birthday. But I don’t think this is just a bit of grief. Not having a job right now is frustrating. I’m antsy and starting to worry over my financial responsibilities. It’s a strange feeling – first time in 12 years I’ve been unemployed. I won’t lie – I’m a little scared.
Fall is really here. It’s getting colder, more brisk in the mornings. The leaves are changing. It’s one of my favorite times of the year. And yet – it’s also a time of year that typically has me feeling anxious, and even a little down. This is the time of year, that I want to hibernate. Who knows, maybe I was a bear in another life? 🙂 This is the time of year that I’m often hit with a lot of memories from my past. I dreamed of Ben the other night. Grayson asked about him the other day – as we have his picture up on one of the bookshelves in the living room. I don’t cry very much anymore, but there is still a deep ache. The kind of ache in the chest that if you dwelled for too long, the tears would well up behind the eyes, the flood threatening to flow down the cheek. Some wounds are too deep to really heal.
I’ve had some pretty major shakeups with friends and family in the last couple of weeks. That combined with the kids starting school, healing from my injuries and the lack of work… I can’t lie to myself anymore, I’m on the edge of depression. And I know I’ll pull out of it – I always do – but the past couple of weeks have been hard. I’m really proud of me tho. I’m doing it all. I’m managing to figure all of this out, slowly but surely. I have to remind myself that courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid… it means you’re afraid but still take a step forward.
I have to remind myself that it’s ok to take some time for myself right now. To be quiet and hibernate a little in my home. It’s ok to feel a little lost and scared and lonely. I’m lucky really. I know how good I have it and I know that I’m one tough cookie who’ll find a way to continue to have it good for a long time yet to come. I’ve never been a fan of limbo – and that’s all this is. A strange state where the path that lies ahead of me is a bit hazy and unclear. It’s ok. Although – I won’t lie – it would be nice if someone would join me with a flashlight and a map. 🙂