Today I met with a friend for brunch and manicures and pedicures. It was overall, a lovely morning. However, the conversation turned to some things she’d been told recently about me. To say that I was appalled and hurt is a massive understatement. I put my side out there and later, she agreed that what she’d been told was a lot of untruths and had absolutely no merit…. but it made me VERY upset. Thankfully, the get together ended on happy notes. She wants to get together again very soon, as she’s moved nearby and we will be close. She confessed that I have been an inspiration to her in her life… and that she doesn’t believe the things that were said.
The things that were said were so far from the truth, part of me wanted to laugh at their absurdity. But the other part of me was simply horrified that anyone would say or think anything like that about me. It cut me deeper than anything has cut me in a very, very, long time. The words that were said cut down the core of my character, of my morals, and made me sound like a villain. It proved to me that anyone who would think these things… was never my friend to begin with.
I stewed on it all afternoon and around 8pm I decided to practice my new abilities in being a better communicator. I called and confronted the person who’d said these horrible things. The goal wasn’t to cut him back with my words… it was to understand why they were said.
I don’t know if everything he said was truth or not… as lord knows he wasn’t expecting me to call and confront him. I reminded him that the next time he says something to a friend, to make sure that friend is loyal to him first. That it’s a small town, and word gets around quickly in certain circles. According to him, it was a mix of a few things… misunderstandings, assumptions, and hearing things from another “friend”. I asked him who his source was, so that I could confront them too…
R. The one person who’s hurt me more than she could realize. A woman who was like a sister to me. Honestly – I still don’t fully understand how things went so wrong with her… but I know very well the moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could no longer be her friend. It shook me to my core and yet it was a very calm, resigned knowledge that we were done. I would never, and have never, said anything bad or negative about her. I have not and would not share the secrets that I hold that she shared with me. Just because we are no longer friends, doesn’t mean I didn’t love her at one point in my life. What we are now, doesn’t erase the promises or the sincerity that I felt towards her back then.
Apparently, she does not feel the same way. I don’t know if I will confront her or not. I know that I likely should. But, I don’t honestly think she’d care. I think that the reaction I would get would be cold and indifferent. Or worse. I don’t need that kind of drama or bullshit in my life. I’ve been through enough.
I value my reputation. I’ve worked hard to ensure that I show myself to other people and that I honor myself, my family, my friends and the others around me. So I take a lot of pride in my good reputation, and finding out that someone who I once trusted, someone who I helped time after time and supported and loved… is now spreading horrible things about me…. hurts like nothing I’ve experienced before.
Now I realize – that what others think or say about me shouldn’t affect me. That ultimately, they’ve just validated for me, why I walked away… they’ve proven without a shadow of a doubt that they do not deserve a right to be in my inner circle. And I’m ok with that.
What I’m not okay with – is that this also proves to me that my radar is off. I’ve always thought of myself as a good judge of character. That I’m good at reading people… and yet I obviously made a very large mistake in judging these two people. If my radar is THAT off…perhaps it’s better for me to pull away a bit. Put up my guard a bit more. Maybe I have no business trying to read people or trying to decipher character simply because my normal meter is broken. I’m going to keep watch on my inner circle … I don’t want to be put in a position to be hurt anymore. But I also realize that might be counter-intuitive considering some of my other goals and dreams. That to succeed OR fail… you must first be willing to risk. I think it’s best that I continue to focus on me… getting healthy, finding happiness, working towards the things I want and dream for in life.
I had a few moments this weekend when it dawned on me how much I’m enjoying life these days. I need to stay in that head space… keep positive. Keep focused. Stay away from drama. I know that I’m a good person… and maybe that’s enough.
Goodnight neverland. Much love to you all.