Just keep swimming…

just-keep-swimming

It’s been a good day.  My work day is almost over.  The work week is almost over.  I have some new plans for the weekend that have me looking forward to it getting here.  My step son isn’t going to be coming over this weekend.  Instead, it will be me, my daughter and my son, heading to my dads.  I think all 3 of us need a break from where we’re at.  My daughter especially, as she’s had a hard week.  I don’t know what to do to help her, other than what I’m doing.  I just hope it’s enough.

She’s been spiraling into what I’d call – a form of depression.  From the outside tho, she puts on a good show.  Her school counselor called me on monday to fill me in on a few things.  It led to her spending all day tuesday at home with me, and sleeping with me the last few nights, which I truly don’t mind.  That little girl means the world to me, and I’d give anything to help make her happy.  I know that moving, and finally settling in and putting down some roots will help her tremendously.

I’m hoping to hear from my lender tomorrow, to give me the new date the house will close.  We’ll get the keys on that day, and depending on what day it ends up being, I will do everything I possibly can to get us out and into our new place on or pretty damn close to that day.

At home, I’m beyond fed up.  I’m beyond worrying or caring that I’ll say something wrong.  I’m tired of walking on eggshells.  Even when I do everything right, It still gets assumed that I’m a horrible person.  And truthfully, I know damn well that I’m not.  I’m a good person.  I care a lot about people.   I give a lot to other people. And somehow, a couple of people, who used to be very close to me, have recently forgotten that.

I think I’ve hit a new place that I’m not entirely sure I’ve been before.  In my past, I’d be trying to salvage these friendships.  Trying to fix things to make things more cordial.  Lately, like Rhett Butler… I just don’t give a damn.

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At one point, one of the roomies pointed out what I could do to “fix” our friendship.  Stating that if I did X, Y and Z, that maybe we could still be friends.  If they were simple little things, it would be no big deal, but basically, she asked me to change who I am at my core.  Sorry.  I refuse to do that.  Love me for who I am.. or don’t love me at all.  What I didn’t point out was that at this point, maybe I don’t even WANT to be friends.  Maybe I’m not the one who “lost out”… perhaps it’s actually her loss and not mine.  Perhaps I’ve seen enough of her true colors in the last few months, that I’ve had my fill.  Perhaps the second she asked me to change who I am… was the second that I realized I was done.

I’ve only got a couple of weeks left… I keep telling myself that over and over again.  I can do this.  I can keep coming home to this horrible awkward place full of frustration and silence, if it’s only for a couple of weeks.  I can endure this.  My children can endure this.  As much as I wish they didn’t have to.  And there is so much light at the end of this dank, dark tunnel that it’s overwhelming and inspiring and beautiful.  That’s enough.  Right? 🙂

light-at-end-of-tunnel

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