I’m angry this evening. A dear friend passed away. Her family called me to come and say my goodbyes. It was very hard to do. What do you say? I kept trying to get her to wake up.
“Tia, your cupcakes suck, wake up and tell me to go to hell!”
“Tia, the nurses are going to turn you over, wake up and yell at them to leave you be.”
“Tia, wake up and look out the window, there’s such a pretty view from here.”
Nothing I did worked. She had similar machines to Ben. A bank of IV’s, tons of cords and wires, a machine down her throat to help her breathe. It’s that machine that I hate. The air moving in and out makes it seem like the patient is just sleeping peacefully. The tape to keep the tube in place makes the skin a bit puffy over time and their eyes end up being partially open. It’s unnerving. And for me, it flooded me with so many memories. Her hand was cool to the touch. She has babies, and now they will have to grow up with only the memories they have of their mother.
I just don’t understand death. Not realizing that it made me angry, I’ve managed to bite the head off of my best friend today. I feel bad. I know I should go and apologize and try and mend things, but truthfully, I don’t trust my own ability to open my mouth today. I might say something I don’t mean.
I’m so angry at the world. I’m angry that someone so beautiful and special just left it and only a few of us seem to know. I’m angry that she never realized how special and amazing and strong and beautiful that she was. I’m angry that I’ve been in similar shoes as she is, and truthfully, we both deserved better.
I’m angry that so many people are selfish and feel entitled these days. I’m angry that … well… I’m just angry. It’s not fair. And I know – better than most – that life is not fair. But this came as a bit of a shock. This has rocked me to my core and stirred loose some memories and feelings that I’d buried long ago. So many questions running through my head. Why? Why do things happen the way they do? Why do we plan things when life will always find a way to change those plans? For good and for bad. Why do we as humans struggle to see the bigger picture …. because if we could – perhaps these things wouldn’t be so very painful. Why does it hurt so much? I assume because it’s love, and it’s real?
I’ll get through it. It will be ok. I’ll go for a walk or turn on some comedy. Do something to bring myself away from the anger and to a better place. I just need to take a deep breath. Or ten.
Goodnight Neverland. Much love to you.