Ok. I will admit it. Depression has hit me this week. Fairly hard. I’m feeling a bit withdrawn and a bit quiet. I found a new counselor. My first appointment will happen tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it, as I have a list of things I want to talk about.
Co-dependency. I want to talk about that. I think, looking back at my relationships, both with the ex and with my family – I have a history of being in these types of relationships. I want to understand how to break the cycle. First I have to understand it, then once I can identify it and understand it, then I can work to change it; to stop it.
I refuse to sit and do nothing on this. I refuse to allow the same patterns to re-occur in my life. History repeats itself – well NOT anymore! When I look up the “symptoms” of being a codependent person – I fit them to a T.
Low self esteem, people pleasing, Lack of boundaries, Care-taking, dysfunctional communication, Denial, problems with intimacy… yup! I won’t lie, coming to realize that today was quite a shock.
I cannot fix problems that are not mine to fix. I cannot change someone. I can only change myself, and the worry, and head space that I give to trying to fix things really is only making the problem worse.
I’m nervous. I’m finally getting really honest with myself. I’ve been happier in the last 2 years than I have been in 12 years…. BUT… That alone cannot be the indicator that I use on whether or not I’m healthy. I find myself slipping into the care-taking/people pleasing habits a bit more and more lately and it is, quite frankly, a slippery slope. If I’m not careful, I will only end up in the same perpetual loop I’ve been in for most of my life. I will not be that person again. I just can’t.