I have problems with nightmares. I’ve always had incredibly vivid dreams, even when I was just a child. Because of this, I’ve also always been plagued with a lot of nightmares. I swear, every insecurity, every fear I have… surface in my dreams on a regular basis. I’ve always hated it. I always dream I’m going to lose the ones I love. My children, my family, my spouse, my friends…. this is the common theme to my dreams. I can’t recall the countless number of nights where I’ve woken up absolutely terrified that what I dreamed was reality. Sometimes, I’d have to check on my children and make sure that they were still sound asleep in their beds.
It’s been two nights in a row now that my nightmares have caused me to wake the house. I feel bad when this happens. I also feel bad because for the past two nights in a row, my nightmares have centered around an obnoxious main topic.
In my dreams, everyone I love and care about leave me. They decide that I’m not good enough, and walk away. In my dreams, I’m left … cold, forgotten, unloved, scared and broken. Now, logically… I know that it’s just a dream. I know, because I awake and I’m safe.
The non-logical side of me; the side that reveals herself in dreams…. will taunt me with these illogical fears. I hate it. I hate how it takes me a while – sometimes even a day or two, to settle down and relax again. Not to mention – I’m then leery to go back to sleep and end up a little on the tired and cranky side the days following.
I suppose, if I were to look on the bright side… life has become something I cherish…. the people, my friends and family, my job, even my pets. The idea of losing all that I’ve built in the last few years… shakes me to my core. I have everything I could possibly need right now.. well – maybe not EVERYTHING… but I’m damn happy. Someday I’ll find a relationship that equals what I need it to be… but for now, you see.. when I’m awake… that’s now become the dream. A fantasy come true.
Happy Wednesday Neverland. The week is half over. Now if only I could just go take a nap.