Sometimes I think I owe my parents a huge apology. I can remember being a brat to them. I can remember doing it and not even fully knowing why I was doing it. Tonight, my four year old pulled it on me. He’s been testing me all week and tonight it came to a climax. I love him so much, and yet sometimes, he frustrates the fuck out of me. I had to walk into the hallway and count to ten before going back in his room to handle him.
It’s nights like these, when I feel like a total failure as a mom. My usually unending patience reaches it’s low point and I can’t take anymore. When I don’t care that he only has 6 of his 12 stuffed animals, and I don’t want to play the window open, now window shut game. It was a long day and all I can think about is how lovely it will feel to lay down and shut my eyes and sleep.
My son has so much energy. More than my daughter ever had, and that’s saying something. He’s either on or off. There is never an in-between. When he’s up and awake, he’s non-stop running around, making noise, talking, asking a million questions at 100 miles a minute.
I know I’m not a bad mom, but when the patience level runs that low, it makes me wonder. I love being a parent, and yet if my patience can drop like that – maybe it somehow means I shouldn’t have. Maybe it somehow signals that I’m a screw up? I’ve read a ton of articles that say I’m not. Met plenty of mom’s who all grow through these same feelings. That makes it easier… and yet it still doesn’t erase those little seeds of doubt.
Where did these ideals even come from? Why are women and mothers so preoccupied with being our own versions of a super mom? Ok, that’s a generalization, as not every mom is preoccupied with that. But it sure seems that a large majority of mothers compare themselves to other mothers, as well as compare our children to other children. Why? Where did we get this silly notion that perfection within a human being can even be achieved? It’s hypocrisy. We are human. Our children are also human. We’re fallible. When, if ever, will we be satisfied with that? When, if ever, will it be ok to realize that you just need to take a mommy time out and relax?
My standards aren’t really even my standards. They come from examples I had growing up, from movies and books, from friends and their parents, and neighbors and teachers. They are the standards set by the society I surrounded myself with. It makes me question… what ARE my standards of me?
If I think about it.. I really kind of only have a select few.
1. Always give everything you’ve got. Try and keep trying, even when you fail.
2. Share an endless supply of love. There should never be a question in anyone’s mind. If you’re my family, then I love you and you should know it by how I act and what I say. Love is infinite, there’s always more of it give.
3. Be loyal and show respect. I take care of others before myself; not because I don’t value myself, but because I respect others. If I have something that someone in my family wants or needs… I’ll give it up, or share it. That’s just the way of it.
4. I aim to never shame myself or my family. This falls into the being good and moral and doing what’s right kind of category. To uphold myself and those I love in the very best of standings that I can.
There are more, but I’d say these are probably the top on my list. Some of my friends say I’m an odd traditionalist at times. Looking at this list.. am I? Maybe the newer generations don’t think like this? I don’t know. I’d be curious to find out.
Goodnight neverland. I’m going to go enjoy a mai tai and try and get a little relaxation before I drift off and start another day. 🙂 Much love.