I’ve started my new job. Today was day three. So far, I’m pretty excited and happy to be where I am at. It’s different than I am used to, that’s for sure. I think I got used to working for the borg. 🙂 This company is a bit smaller, and my position is much higher than where I was. I have a new big office, a second space that has a couch and some cushy chairs and a bunch of whiteboards, and I have a large design studio space. It’s been pretty awesome getting acquainted with folks and digging into projects. It’s helped me see just how much I needed this change.
I haven’t seen my counselor in just over 3 weeks. At first, there were a couple of days when I would start to panic and want to make an appointment, but over the last few weeks, I’ve learned that maybe it’s ok to feel lost and uncomfortable with myself. It doesn’t mean I’m unhappy, and it doesn’t mean I’m a failure. It simply means I’m still a work in progress. And I think I’m ok with that.
Something interesting has started to really dawn on me lately. The last time I had a sit down chat with my father, he talked to me about how I have a problem with commitment. At the time, I was pretty pissed off and couldn’t really register what he was saying. But with some time to cool off, and distance from the conversation, I’m starting to realize that he’s not wrong. It’s weird. I’ve always viewed myself as someone who’s 100 percent loyal to a fault. Someone who’s 100 percent committed to the people I love and care for. And I have been. However… every single relationship I’ve had that has ended, has ended because I walked away. Which means, Dad isn’t wrong. From that perspective, my level of commitment towards those relationships wasn’t strong enough to hold me in my place. His point wasn’t to make me feel bad, it was simply to point out that moving forward, I have to be willing to give all of myself. To trust fully and completely and to commit 100 percent.
I thought I was doing that.. but even lately, i’ve caught myself struggling with the occasional stream of self doubt that helps me realize just how far I still have to go.
I have what I’d like to consider to be a silly problem. There’s something I’m wanting, sexually, and I’m too timid to speak up about it. Not only am I too timid to speak up about it, but I’m also too nervous of getting turned down or said no. And to be honest, I find it incredibly frustrating. Not only that, but how do you even go about describing something that you haven’t experienced in order to ask for it? I want to feel like I am someone’s. Completely. Sometimes, I want to feel possessed or owned. I want to know that someone revels in every inch of me. Not in a bad or abusive fashion… but in a I’m going to cherish you in a way that no one ever has. That they know my body and know what to do to make me melt. Is that weird? Maybe it’s the inner submissive in me? I suppose because in my head… that’s how I feel about the person I’m with. Their body, is almost an extension of mine. I better know how to give them chills, how to cause pleasure and ecstasy with a few single strokes or kisses or touches. In theory, as a significant other, isn’t that my job? Curious to some of your thoughts…
Goodnight neverland. Much love from quirky ol’ me. Hehe.