Well, almost. Tomorrow, I have to go meet the carpet cleaners at the house and then later tomorrow night, I have 1800Junk folks coming to pick up the last remaining load of randomness. But that’s it. It’s finished. Now the unpacking begins. The debates and compromises over what gets to stay and what gets to be donated or sold or trashed. I love decorating a new home. So far, in the 2 days we’ve been here, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching the house slowly turn into a home. I didn’t expect to feel it. Funny, my last house didn’t ever feel like a home. I thought it was because I never fully unpacked, but here I sit, surrounded by boxes and I’m already starting to feel it. A connection. It’s just a house. A house that I never thought would grow on me.. but it has. Twice today, I had to stop myself from buying a few flowers to plant in the front garden. Flowers and gardens are NOT a priority at this point.
I’m worried for my grandfather. He’s not well. He’s 90 years old and while I recognize that he’s had a long, full, amazing life; I’m not ready to live in a world where he’s not there to talk to or get advice from. I’ve been telling myself for a few years now that this might be all we get.. that I should continue to make time to see both my grandparents now because they might not be here much longer. Weird how we try and prepare ourselves for pain and grief… and yet.. in reality, there is nothing you can do to prepare. It hurts.. plain and simple.
I’m a combination of all sorts of things today… exhausted from moving and packing and unpacking, frazzled from doing all of that with a 3 year old who wants to be mommy’s shadow and help pack up boxes I just unpacked, stressed with work related stuff per usual, hurting from a few ailments that decided to be mean heartless cruel pests during this move, and heartbroken and worried over my grandfather. I’ve broken down more than a few times crying in the last couple of days.
On one hand… I’ve never been this happy in all my life. I’ve never experienced the amount of hope for my future that I do right now. It’s incredible. I feel safe, and loved and happy for the first time… gosh, maybe ever in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt loved. Ever. BUT … on the other hand.. I’m bogged down with every stress, every frustration, every heart wrenching worry that my mind can throw at me. I’m so scared to let everyone down. I’m scared that if I fall apart, everyone will leave. Ok, maybe not everyone, but the ones I really care about, the true ones that matter, I would be absolutely devastated to lose them.