I got served up with a little bit of truth tonight. From someone who knows me and has my respect and love as a sister.
“I’ve never seen you so unsure of yourself. You’ve been so hurt, confused, and unhappy and mostly pretending to be okay.”
**insert long pause**
**compose self… wipe tears”
Fine. Yes. You’re right. And yet, you’re not.
Because isn’t that life? When are we ever 100 percent happy? When?! You can be happy for moments, you can be happy for periods of time… but there are ups and downs. I’ll admit, I’ve had some stress piled on me for a couple months now. Between kids health, my health, job stresses and then relationship stresses on top of that… yea, just a little added stress. That’s what happens though. That doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I run around and play with my kids, we snuggle, my daughter and I have a few shows we like to watch and a few games we like to play. Sure, I even get run down and frustrated with them from time to time, but we still play and snuggle. I’m quite satisfied with my social life. I have a circle of friends that are more family than anything else. Financially, I’m comfortable. I’m not unhappy. Am I unsure of myself? Yes. Do I pretend to be ok when I am not? Yes. Why? Because my stress and worries are mine… I don’t expect anyone to worry or stress over them with me. In fact, if they did, I’d be upset… they have their own world to worry about.
Yes, I’ve been hurt. On a scale of 1-10… I’d say I’ve had more than a few 10’s thrown my way. Am I confused.. sure… aren’t we all? I don’t have a magic 8 ball.
“Reply hazy… try again later.”
Sometimes it feels like I’ve got all these expectations on me… and what I’d really like to do is throw my hands up in the air and scream “What the FUCK do you want me to DO?!” I’m giving everything I’ve got. Now with my back problem, I’m in a bit of pain… I’m tired… I’m still sick… And I’ve got a lot of shit on my mind right now.
UGH. Ok… for real this time… Goodnight Neverland.