Broken

broken

There are times, when I worry that I am seriously screwed up.

My self esteem took a pretty massive blow – for 11 years.

When, if ever, will it be done?  Will there ever be a time, when I see an odd or negative expression cross someone’s face and I don’t immediately worry or wonder at what I did wrong?   Will there finally come a time when I feel comfortable in my own skin?

I’m sure there are a lot of women out there who don’t feel comfortable naked.  I am one of them.  Even when it’s just me, home alone, I don’t feel comfortable.  I suppose when you spend 11 years with someone who doesn’t want to touch you – it really hits close to home.  I look at myself and see every flaw, every damaged part.  It’s rare that I look in the mirror and see someone beautiful staring back.  It’s easier with clothes.

I have a serious problem with sex.  It’s not that I don’t want it.  Cuz, THAT certainly isn’t my problem.  My problem is that I always seem to choose inopportune times to want it.  I don’t know if that’s even it.  Hell – I don’t really know WHAT my problem is anymore.

I know that because I’m sick (stupid Christmas colds), I’m struggling to contain my emotions a bit.  It happens when I get sick.  I cry a bit more freely.  I hate it.  I’m sure the people around me hate it too.

I had a lovely day today.  Overall, this has been a fantastic Christmas.  My kids and family and loved ones have all been thoroughly spoiled.  That makes me so happy.  But tonight, as the cold decided to make me a bit more on the miserable side than I’d  like, I got emotional.  I got insecure and scared.  Tonight – I showed myself how broken I really am.  Sure, I put on a good front.  I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last few years and I recognize the growth and change that has come about – but tonight – I realize just how broken I still am.  I hate it.  It’s nights like these when I seriously loathe myself.  When I believe what others have said in my past when they were trying to break me down.  Not only do I believe it, but I think everyone thinks it – when that’s not necessarily true.

I need to get control of myself.  As my mom would say, I need to snap out of it and remember just how happy I’ve been as of late.  It’s perfectly ok to fall apart sometimes, and I’ll give myself a pass, seeing that I’m sick and all – but I also need to recognize that it is no longer acceptable for me to beat myself up.  To question EVERYTHING the way I do.  Stop overthinking all the time.  Allow myself to just be content dang it all.

Goodnight neverland.  Merry Christmas.

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