And so this is christmas…

Christmas-Light

What have I done, another year over… a new one just begun.

What have I accomplished this year?  A lot in many ways, and yet, so little in others.  I started a new job.  Moved from a large house to a smaller house.  Had an amazing adventure down to the Caribbean.  I’ve made some incredible friendships.  I’ve also lost some friendships that meant a lot to me.  I knocked down a few of my own internal walls and let some people in.  Learned, not just to love again, but to actually WANT to love and be loved again.  I found a way to honor my son this year.  Got closer to my daughter than ever before and successfully navigated the age of 3 with my youngest.  I purchased myself a new car (my first), accomplished quite a few things on my bucket list, worked on some amazing projects, attended a couple of amazing comic conventions (Yes, I am a nerd), and generally had more of a life than I’ve ever had before.  What a year!

I’ve spent some time tonight thinking about the changes in me over the last year.  Physically and emotionally.  I’m proud of where I am and of where I’ve come.  I still see the growth I have to make ahead of me.  It doesn’t scare me, it excites me.  The older people get, the better they seem to get.  Or at least the more in tune with themselves they become.

Something I’d like to see more improvement on this next year is my self esteem.  I hate how low mine is.  On some levels, I see my worth.  I see what I can bring to the table.. strengths and weaknesses.  But on other levels, I can’t ever see myself the way others do.  My friends, family and loved ones tell me what they see in me often.  And most of the time, I either don’t believe them, or just struggle because I can’t see it.  Believe me, I wish I could.  As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to like myself more.  My hope is that it will continue to grow over time.

Today, I made fudge.  It used to be a tradition in our house.  We’d make fudge, cookies, and other holiday treats.  Some would be passed out as gifts to coworkers and acquaintances, others would make it to parties we’d attend or be included in the treats left out for Santa.  It felt good to make it.  Presents I’d ordered for xmas gifts started arriving today.  It was thrilling to open the door and find a big giant box on the doorstep.  One large item for the little one, and one of the items I’d ordered for T arrived today.  Should be plenty more of those to go around in the next few days as more packages arrive.  My office will become “Santa’s workshop” where no one is allowed entry other than myself and the cat.  🙂  It’s the most… wonderful time… of the year!! 🙂

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you.  Dream sweet.

lipstick kiss

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