It was an interesting week. Ben’s birthday came and went. A few in my inner circle wouldn’t let me spend it alone. Celebrated in various ways… cake with a sparkler in it,
handing out blankets from a big bag I’d ordered to those who really needed it downtown – which was both fulfilling and heart breaking all at the same time. A simple piece of fabric is not nearly enough to keep those people warm.
more than a few cry sessions while looking over old photos thinking about the course life takes in a more general sense of the term. It’s interesting how a person will come to terms with grief. This year was a little harder emotionally than I expected it to be, but at the same time, I combatted it with doing kindness acts for others. I avoided drama at all costs. Tried to spread smiles. And that made it somehow ok.
Attended a formal event on Friday night. Went and got my hair done before hand, wore a new killer dress, and some badass high heels… I felt like a million bucks. Then Saturday night, I hung out with some old coworker friends, who are more like family, listened to a great band play in their living room complete with fog machine and lighting, ate some great Italian food, it was fantastic and kind of chill. To be honest, it was totally awesome. The band was great, the conversation was around music, Halloween, kids, nerdy things… all things I feel completely at ease jumping in and talking about. And a few of the party attendees were like family to me, so it was jut a great atmosphere to be in all around.
Overall – the week had it’s ups and it’s downs. In the past, I’d have been a wreck this week. But this year, between friends, and the way I planned it out… there was simply no reason to be. I think I did it. I found a way to really honor Ben, and that has left me content instead. 🙂 But all of that said, all of those plans… had me a bit worn down. It’s why I planned to have a day, Today, when I’d be by myself.
No kids. No plans. A day to myself. It’s been a while.
I was both, looking forward to it, and for some reason dreading it all at the same time leading up to it this weekend. And then it came, and I slept in a little. Then got up, put on my game day jersey and went and had breakfast, tuned into the game and read a book drinking coffee and not talking to anyone. I had to really push myself to go. Eating alone is … weird. Sometimes I don’t mind it, especially if I have something to read… but sometimes, my social side comes out and I get a bit lonely sitting in a busy place by myself. I worked through it. Got my book out and I sat and ate and enjoyed a weird moment of quiet bliss where the only person I had to think about was just myself.
I drove to the park. Watched the geese feed on early morning worms, watched a few brave souls out in rain gear doing the same thing I was. Enjoying the foggy quiet rainy day. There are a couple of small sailboats anchored just off the shore, I imagine the people in them are either still sleeping, or doing something indoor-ish, playing checkers while their boat rocks a gentle lulling rock. I love the stormy weather that comes with the fall.
I love the rain. Some people look at it as a dreary thing. Another grey dreary day. But me? I like to dance in it. I like to walk in it. I don’t care if I get soaking wet. I’ll sit on a bench and just take it all in. Falling rain is the opposite from a loudness scale to falling snow. I love the booming thunder, the occasional explosion of light that streaks its way across the sky. I also love to huddle up inside, light a candle, pretend the power has gone out and drink apple cider or hot chocolate. Use the storms as an excuse to stay in.
I ran a few errands, and then came home, I worked on my office a bit. Unpacking and organizing, trying to get it set up to where I can actually use and enjoy it. I’m sitting in here now. A candle lit, music playing. There’s nothing on my walls yet. It’s driving me a little crazy. I like to have art on my walls, photographs, paintings, mirrors, sconces… I have them throughout the house.
It got to be dinner time, and I decided to drive over to my favorite Mexican restaurant and treat myself – with the addition of a margarita. Hey – I’ve always been a fan of tequila, no judging please. 🙂 And now, I’m home, deliciously relaxed, a little quiet, and quite content. And although I’m not sure I’m looking forward to another week … I know I’ll be ready for it. Bring it on. I can take it. My vacation will be here soon, and I’ll get a real break away from everything. I’m really looking forward to it. A break away from everything…even technology and phones. I can’t wait to see that blue water, the white powdery sands. Bliss!
Goodnight Neverland. Much love.