8 days

eight

8 days from now, is Ben’s birthday.  In 8 days, he’d have been 5 years old.

I don’t even know how to follow that statement… but here it goes.

A few songs have hit me in the gut today.  For various reasons, not all having to do with Ben.  You see, with these anniversaries, I don’t necessarily experience sadness, I experience introspection.  I look at my life, the course it’s going, the course it’s taken.  I reminisce.  I rehash.  I dream.  I may cry, I may just be down, and I may just be a bit quieter.  And I may try and drown it away by being the exact opposite, where I’ll ooze positivity and cheer.  My friends see right through those masks, but most people don’t catch on.  It works for me. Heck, other than the bestie, not many have noticed just how down I am today.  My masks are working very well.  Although I’ve also been careful to keep most of my conversations to type today, put enough cheers and smileys and carlton dances and no one seems to notice.  It’s these times when I listen to a lot of music, lyrics help.  Always have.  I see the impact that having him and losing him had on my family, my children, my friends…. and most of all, in me.  Most of it good, but sometimes, I look at who I am, where I am in life, the choices I made, the things I’ve faced…. and feel like there’s only a thread that holds it all together.  People say how strong I am – I certainly don’t feel that way.  Sometimes, I feel weak, and stupid, and lonely, and lost… and then sometimes, I feel like I can conquer anything thrown at me.  That I’m a badass who’ll take the world by storm and spread love and happiness and laughter in every corner that exists.  Maybe it’s the realization, that I’m human.  That there are good days, and there are bad.

Today was on the rough end of the spectrum.  Not because of Ben, today it was family that had me feeling down.  Family.  What is family?  Why is it that some of the people closest to us can hurt us the most.. and we continue to put up with it?  If anyone else acted that way with us – would we walk away and be done with it?  Would we allow that toxicity to set into our lives from an outsider?  I doubt it.  What it is about family then?  It can’t just be blood.  If that were true, we wouldn’t have friends who become like family.  The bestie came and rescued me with a hug today.  I’m fairly sure no one remembers the date of Ben’s bday.  And that’s totally fine – I would NEVER want anyone to do that – my point is that he knew I was feeling down, cancelled his meeting and drove over to my building to meet me for a hug.  He’s family.  I’d do anything for him, to make sure he’s happy.  Cuz that is what he does for me.  🙂

I feel like curling up in a blanket and hiding from the world for a day or two.  I want good music, good food, wine, some soft candle light, I’m craving that quiet calm.  Perhaps it’s because there’s a flood of emotions buried just under the surface and if I find that quiet calm, they won’t erupt out.  I suppose that’s why I am writing.

Why does it seem that some people are determined to make me regret things in my life?  Why do I give them that kind of power?  I refuse to regret Ben.  I refuse to regret what I’ve been through, because it is what makes me me.  What has made me the person I am today.

8 days.  How is it possible to still miss someone that you didn’t have for very long?  What happens when we die?  Is he there still somehow?  Somewhere in the world?  If so, do I ever cross his mind?  Is that even possible?  I’m determined… I’m going to keep my promises.  I’m going to be a constant seeker of happiness, of joy.  I’m going to ensure that love is spread everywhere I can spread it.  Even when I’m scared or unsure.  I’m going to embrace health.  I’m going to have a reason to look back and say “Look at all I’ve done.”.

8 days.  How can a heart break and still beat?  That’s what mine does.  It’s broken and yet, it still beats.  It still craves.  It still loves and gives.

8 days.  I love you Ben.  I’m sorry that you can’t see me now.  But baby?  I’m making you proud.

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