I’ve never been in a relationship where I felt truly loved. Sure, my ex’s loved me in their own ways, but I don’t know that I’d have really qualified what they felt as “love”. They loved me for what I brought to their lives, not for me. Compliments were often scarce and said with a backhanded reason attached. You’re an amazing woman, can you go buy me beer? Sigh. Love sometimes scares the shit out of me. It leaves you feeling vulnerable. Exposed. If I love you, it means that although I may get frustrated, confused, hurt or even mad at you… I won’t be able to stay that way for long. It means that any and all of my spare time, I’ll happily devote to you… so long as it’s wanted. I get it – life happens. We all get busy, or have things we need to take care of.
As a single mom, I worry about my children.
I hate my insecurities. I have them. Not a lot of them, but certainly a few. I never quite feel that I’m doing enough, or doing good enough for others. I worry that I’m asking for too much from others. That they won’t want to or be able to live up to those asks and needs.
I was talking with a friend, we’ll call her J, tonight. Was explaining how frustrated I am with myself tonight. That I let my stupid insecurities take control tonight. That I felt needy and clingy and just downright plain STUPID. She helped me. Said some really nice things actually. Said how I’m the most patient woman she’s ever met, and would be the best thing to walk into a man’s life. That I’m right – love is scary. She reminded me that I deserve to find it and embrace it. She reminded me that it’s ok to feel needy or clingy occasionally, it’s even normal and expected in some cases. she made me feel instantly better. Ok – so my insecurities came out tonight a little. Time to suck it up, chalk it up to a weird day and move forward. I think she’s right – I have to do what feels right. What feels right?
I got mad at myself earlier. Tried to convince myself that maybe it’s better to just leave things be. Not push so hard, not try so hard. Ambition has taken me far, but eventually, it could bite me in the butt if I try and use it everywhere. Especially with relationships – they have to take their own pace, their own course. But that’s not like me either. I embrace things head on … typically. I don’t run away. I don’t cower. Ok, maybe sometimes I do… but not when it’s so important. I couldn’t slow down or stop the ambition if I wanted to. I’m an aries through and through.
Goodnight neverland. XXO.