I learned something very interesting about myself this weekend. Grief brings out my insecurities. It makes sense when I think about it. When I’m grieving, I am in a very lost, lonely, sad kind of state. That is typically when I feel like I need my support system the most. It’s also when I feel guilt over needing my support system. It feels needy and clingy and stupid.
What I learned this weekend wasn’t that I’m insecure. I already knew that. 🙂 What I learned this weekend is that sometimes, you have to learn to let go, and trust in those you love. If someone tells you they love you, and they’ve done nothing to really make you doubt or deny that, then trust that they actually do love you as they say they do.
I don’t know when I got to be like this. Maybe they are a side effect of grief, or maybe I’ve always had issues with it in some respects. I give love to others. I’m generous (overly so in some cases), I go out of my way to make sure that the people I love KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I love them. And yet, I sometimes fail to recognize the love that others give to me. It’s not done intentionally. I would be devastated if someone I loved didn’t recognize that and feel that from me, and yet, sometimes, I don’t see it. And I should. How do you learn to see the love and affection that others give? Is it because I’m so focused on making sure I don’t screw up that I fail to enjoy what’s given to me? Ding Ding Ding! Holy crap what a realization to come to. Why do I do that? I think … to be honest, I think it’s somewhat out of guilt. I don’t feel that I deserve it, or I’m scared it’s going to go away. I’m done being scared. I want to love with all my heart. I want to allow myself to be loved in return. Because I deserve it. Because I’m a good, honorable, passionate, smart, sexy woman who sometimes fails to recognize those traits in herself. I’m worthy. I swear, I need to write that somewhere I can see it every day.
I. Am. Worthy.
I’ve had some bad recurring nightmares in the last week. I’ve also had a few good dreams, which is unusual and inspires a bit of hope in me that maybe the nightmares can be made to go away. I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid. My mother has very vivid dreams as well, so part of me wonders if dreaming is somehow hereditary. One dream I’ve had for many many years involves everyone I know and love disappearing before my eyes. I’ve always thought the meaning of that dream pointed to my insecurities, and my fear of abandonment, and I’m probably right. This new dream, it involves the death of my children. And I can point to grief on that, maybe a bit of PTSD after losing Ben, but I could also say that maybe I’m grieving something else too. My friend R pointed out this weekend that perhaps, besides mourning the loss of my son, I’m also mourning the loss of a dream. I sometimes look around me and think about how I never planned for this. I never planned to raise my children alone. I never planned to be a corporate career woman. I never planned to be living with a roommate at 32, divorced. According to R, I need to mourn the change of my vision for myself in the future, and then I may be able to move on and dream new things. It’s not a bad idea. I suppose that’s why I’m writing on the subject. Usually, writing helps me process the things I’m working through in my head.
What was my vision before? To have a good job, be a amazing wife, be a good mom. To be a family. To be fiercely loved by those closest to me. To feel inspired and happy.
Where am I now?
I have a good job. I’m a good mom. We are a family. I am fiercely loved by those closest to me. I AM inspired and happy. Well I’ll be…. 🙂 Maybe it’s not mourning that should be happening. Maybe it’s celebrating. 6/7 items on my vision’s list are happening on a daily basis and I have achieved. Why am I beating myself up then? I’ve done it. Ok so the painting doesn’t look QUITE as I’d imagined it 10 years ago. But when you really look at it, I did get everything I wanted.
It’s amazing. It’s inspiring. It’s refreshing to look at it in a different perspective. I really beat myself up this weekend. It was an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, that I brought on myself. And now that it’s over…. I can still say I had an amazingly good weekend, I got a lot of things accomplished that I needed to, AND… somehow, I’m starting a new week clearer. A bit stronger. Prouder. A few years ago, a weekend of tears would have left me feeling pretty mad at myself. Now? I feel like maybe it was time. It was needed. And now, I can move forward again. It’s unlike me to have such an emotional moment. I don’t see it becoming a trend, but I’ll embrace this weekend for what it was. Me getting much needed “stuff” out of my system in order to process it and learn from it.
Much love to you neverland. Goodnight. XXO!