Today, I stumbled and tripped over grief. It snuck up on me and took me by complete surprise. The funk started last night and really came to a head today. I don’t remember the last time I cried so much.
I worked hard today at communicating with my friends and family about what I was feeling or thinking. The old me would have stayed silent. Strong and silent. Silence isn’t healthy and I recognize that. But today, I spoke, even when I didn’t want to. I didn’t always have the best timing, or even wording choices, but rather than stew on something I found upsetting, I opted to share. Hey, emotions were high for me. But at least I’m learning to find and use my voice. I’ll take that as a win.
I struggle to understand grief. Why’d it hit me so hard today? I literally cried for much of the day. As an anti crier…that’s really not like me. I couldn’t shut off the tears today. Everything set me off into bucket loads of tears. Maybe I just needed to cry it out. I’m feeling a lot better right now…but I’d like to find better ways of either recognizing when a wave of grief is coming, or preventing it completely. That way, I’m not caught off guard.
I know that Ben would be proud of me. He’d want us all happy, and we are. When you lose someone, you mourn their presence, their past and their future. I haven’t cried like I did today over Ben in probably 2-3 years. And at one point, knowing I was losing it made me mad at myself. I have it pretty damn good. Life is going extremely well for me. I was mad that I became a blubbery mess, when by all rights, I shouldn’t.
I’ve struggled with some of the worst dreams ever in the last few nights. Horrible dreams where you wake up shaking. The kind of dreams that leave lasting visual imagery in your mind, and nothing you do will shake it. I hate dreams.
I’m going to contact my grief counselor on tues. Might be good to have a check in of sorts. Get some tips or advice on eliminating recurring dreams, and on grief in general. I think it’ll be good for me.
Well goodnight neverland. Dream sweet. XXO!!