Proud of myself

courage

I stood up for myself tonight. I was driving home when the ex called.  It’s his night to pick up my little one, so I answered.  His reason for calling?  He wanted to know if he could have my table, and a couple of bookshelves.  That I make so much money and can afford to buy new and he can’t.  Sigh.  It’s not my responsibility to furnish his new house.  Why would I let him have a family heirloom.  yea – it’s not much of a table set, but it’s been in my family since before I was born.  The other stuff…Grr…. I’m trying to learn to choose my battles.  Fine!  I’ll get new, but why on earth would he want stuff of mine?  Why is it MY job to furnish his new house with his new girlfriend?!? He’s starting a new life with a new person in a new place, which I needed an address for in order for him to leave with my little one. But in a new place with a new life – why would anyone want to bring stuff with old juju?  And why he couldn’t have claimed those things when I was moving is BEYOND me.  I pointed out to him that it was rude to change his mind, and that he’s not allowed to just dictate something to me and have me jump anymore.  You know what he said?  “You changed your mind with Ben!”  What the hell?!  Talk about an odd transition/subject change.  To go from talking about furniture to suddenly having Ben thrown in my face.  When I recovered from the shock, I told him I refused to talk to him about this any further and hung up.

When he arrived at the house – I was suddenly a bit nervous.  His outbursts have been pretty bad lately.  Emotional roller coasters from hell really.  I asked the bro to come upstairs so I’d have a witness and/or protection if things went horribly wrong. The fact that I have to DO that.  Sigh.  I asked for the address, he gave it to me.  I told him that there were some things I’d like to discuss before he left.  I’d been building up my courage for a good solid hour before hand for what I was about to say.

The momma bear in me was clawing beneath the surface, but I managed to stay pretty calm.  I remember being grateful my voice stayed steady.  I’m fairly positive that my eyes were shooting fiery flames.  I said that he is NEVER to use Ben as a button on me again.  That the button no longer works, he’s pushed it too much, and now … it just brings on my fury. That bringing Ben into the conversation is a low blow, and goes to prove that he never wanted him in the first place.  Which is why I’ve been reluctant to let him have the ashes.  That all he’s going to achieve in bringing Ben into it is to start a war with me.  I asked him point blank if that was his goal. Perhaps he wanted me to take him to court and make his financial life a bit uncomfortable, unless his ulterior motive was actually to just walk away entirely.  I reminded him that if he should choose to do so, he can walk away and I will HAPPILY take full responsibility for my children.  I saw it flicker across his face.  Temptation.  He knows I’ll provide for our children and love and care for them.  He knows they are safe with me.  He knows he’ll never be able to help and support them the way I can.  And when I saw the temptation cross his face… I felt a bit of shock.  I never thought I’d see that on his face.  You know how sometimes, you “just know” something?  There was a moment there, someday, the ex will walk away entirely from my children.  I read it on his face tonight.  Only time will tell.

I’d spoken with his AA sponsor a few weeks ago and while he didn’t share much with me (would be breaking confidence, and quite frankly, I really don’t care to know the ex’s business anyway), he did share that the Ex was angry with me for walking away.  And not only walking away, but walking away and finding happiness.  His sponsor admitted that he’s got a very long way to go as far as working through his own healing/grieving process and to just be wary right now.

Tonight, I told the ex that I would be passing his information along to the people doing the garnishments.  That I’m not taking these alone anymore.  The Bank of Jen is closed forever for him.  He made that choice.  Time to put on the big boy panties (hehe) and deal with what’s ahead, quit looking behind.  I also pointed out that I have been making an effort all along to keep things civil and mature and calm.  That it is always him that loses control of his temper or emotions and then ends up apologizing a few days later.  I told him that this can no longer continue.  That if he continues to lay this kind of emotional abuse at my door, I will no longer be nice, and civil and calm.  He doesn’t want that.  Ultimately, he’s scared of me in some ways. I reminded him that I have my own life.  That I’m happy and healthy and satisfied with the people I surround myself with  That I’ve chosen a healthy path and refuse to let him come in and cause chaos anymore.

I gave my little one a few hugs and kisses and reluctantly let him leave with his father. I was shaking when they left.  I hate confrontations.  I hate worrying that something is going to happen to my kids because of his lack of responsibility.  I worry about them.  I’m proud I stood up for myself and the kids tonight.  I hate that I had to do it.  I hate that I shook like a stupid weakling afterwards.  I hate that it took me a good hour maybe even 2 to calm down.

I did some research on my trip for December.  Was a great way to de-stress and calm down.  Glad I did it.  🙂  It was an excellent mood lift.  Well – I’m exhausted.  Long couple of days to be sure.  Going to go get some shut eye now.

Goodnight.  Dream sweet.  XXO.

sleeping-polar-bear

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