Ahh….

I’ve been looking forward to allowing my fingers to fly over the keys for the last couple of hours.  The need to let the thoughts out of my head has been strong today.  It was a good day.  Actually, a good weekend overall.  The mini-me was home from camp.  We attended game night on Friday with T and some friends.  She seemed to really enjoy herself.  Then Saturday, we made brownies and got into a water fight.  I was working on a painting and she asked if she could help.  I figured, hey why not, it’s just digital paint.  She’s pretty good! 🙂

Today was …. amazing.  And eye opening.   Enjoyed some soup dumplings (Xiao long bao) from a local dumpling restaurant that was amazing.  Usually is.  My inner retard surfaced today.  For those who don’t know that reference… you should look up the comic Christopher Titus.  http://thelaughbutton.com/features/christopher-titus-voice-head/#!bexa0t  I don’t enjoy when mine comes up.  The “inner retard” according to Christopher Titus is the voice in your head that comes out when you’re full of self doubt, immaturity, or just plain stupidity.  Mine was self doubt.  Allowing the past to color my view of the present and therefore shade my future.  And while I can deal with my inner retard surfacing on occasion – today’s was interesting, mainly because it really helped me see an area of my life I need to work on.  And after a pep talk… I realized just how silly it was that I had gotten all worked up and feeling down about myself.  Perhaps I need to serve my inner retard an eviction notice.  🙂  there is no room for you here.  Sorry.  🙂 I also had a moment where I chose to be vulnerable and ask T for help with something that I found mortifying and embarrassing.  And you know what? Even tho it was hard to do, and I was embarrassed…. he was amazing.  Took it in stride.  Helped.  Was kind and caring and even tried to get me laughing about it.  Needed that too. 

Upon further reflection and thinking… I also discovered something pretty dang cool today.  Well – I’ve known for a while – but it gets clearer every day.  I am truly… genuinely…. happy.  🙂  Yea life can throw stress my way – and occasionally I may even bend to it’s will… but even with all of that.  I’m damn happy and content right now.  What an amazing beautiful thing.  I’ll take it.  Embrace it to it’s fullest.  I’m looking forward to the week ahead.  Should be relatively slow at work which will be a nice contrast to the last few weeks. 

I’m going to start planning a trip.  A real vacation.  Nov or Dec… maybe January time-frame.  Haven’t set that in stone just yet.  I’m excited for this tho.  I like planning vacations.  And this will be a nice reset for me.  Something to look forward to as well.

Goodnight neverland.  Much love.  XXO.

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One thought on “Ahh….

  1. Gini says:

    It’s nice to see you evolving. someday in the future, or maybe real soon, you will look at life and see that you have been thrown a lot of terrible shit. And you survived! And you should be proud and happy. There is nothing else in this world worse than the loss you and I know. And wish we didn’t, but we do. And we made it through that darkness of loss and sadness. Everyone does the journey differently. So I am hoping you have made it to the place where you can say “I am happy, and nothing can ever be as bad as what I went though” And you made it!!!
    Great Job!!!
    Love you!

    Like

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