We all have them. Buttons that when pushed will either set us off, or trigger tears, or both. Some buttons are easier to push than others, depending on who you are of course and who’s pushing the button. It takes a long time for me to lose my temper. I’m slower to heat – but when I do – it boils…unless of course you manage to hurt me, then I don’t boil – at least not at the person who pushed the button. Then I just erupt inside. Tonight was one of those for me. It’d been a long day. Relatively good in some ways – and relatively shit in others.
I spent FAR too much time crying today. Mostly because my ex pushed buttons. I’m trying… SO… HARD… to be civil. To not fight. To not engage when he’s in an angry mood. I’m successful most of the time at it. But occasionally – he’ll break through and find a way to make me hurt. Deep hurt. Typically around Ben. When will that stop being a button? I suppose when I let it stop? I don’t know.
We spoke of Ben tonight. In some considerable length actually. Let’s just say that my head hurts from all the crying. Who knows, Ben’s been a topic lately – maybe it’s life’s way of telling me to deal with it. To get some emotions out. I was pretty angry tonight at one point. So angry I was shaking. I NEVER get like that, but my momma bear came out a little bit at one point. I was holding back the snarls, the tongue lashing was hovering just on the tip of my tongue. It used to be, when I was younger, that I would let my mouth say whatever it wanted. I could give a tongue lashing like no other. Still can if I allow it. I unfortunately learned at an early age the power behind words – and just how much they could cut. BUT… the years have taught me that really – its not worth it. You end up hurting yourself just as much if not more than the other person (in the long run). Saying things in the rush of the moment – without thinking of the repercussions only get’s you into trouble. You end up saying things that maybe you don’t mean. You might mean them at that moment, but those things that are said, you can’t take back. It’s taken me about 9 years or so to get to this point. And yea, sometimes I’ll admit that maybe my pendulum has swung a little too far in the opposite direction, but I’m also proud of who I’ve become. It takes a lot to bring me to a point where I’ll unleash on someone. Unless it’s the momma bear breaking through – then that comes lightening fast. 🙂
I’m proud that I’m learning to communicate on a different level. It feels healthier. It feels calmer. I hate getting yelled at. I hate being made to feel like I’m worthless, or that I was never wanted, never good at anything – other than being a mom and being a paycheck. And that’s what the ex did tonight – maybe not intentionally – although maybe so – who knows? I’ll consider the source. I’ll put it away and know comfortably that ultimately… I’m in a good place in life. And it’s getting better every single day. Overall – I’m very happy. Yea – ok, the last few weeks have had their ups and downs and life has handed me some stress… but when doesn’t it do that? That is the very nature of life. Ups and downs, stress and drama and joy.
“T” texted me when I was in the middle of dealing with the ex tonight. Then called. I didn’t get to him because of the drama until a bit later. It took him maybe 10 seconds before he heard right through me and called me out on not being ok. I wasn’t. I was a wreck. He came over. I’d managed to compose myself before he arrived tho. But I’ll admit, I felt stupid knowing he was coming over to make me feel better… again. Friday and now Monday. GEEZ. I felt like I was becoming a nuisance. He cheered me up. He always does. The silly man thought I was mad at him and avoiding him. Nope… never. FIrst, if I’m mad at someone, I’ll tell them I’m mad at them. THEN I’ll avoid. LOL. Well – it depends on how badly you push my buttons actually. Second… he’s done absolutely nothing for me to be mad at. Hence why I say he’s a silly man. 🙂
You all cheer me up too. I can’t go to bed now without doing some form of writing. Sometimes, if I don’t want to sit at my machine, I’ll write in a notebook or journal. But I prefer the keyboard because it’s so much faster.
Well neverland, it’s time I bid you adieu. Goodnight. Sleep well.