The “maybe” ramble

It’s 10 o’clock, and I’m finally getting a quiet moment to myself.  It’s been a long day.  Hell, its been a long week.  But, even with the stresses life has tossed my way this week.  I’m doing damn well.  I’m smiling.  I’m genuinely happy to my core.  And THAT folks, is really saying something.

I’m tired.  Wiped is probably a better word.  Sleep will come fast and easy right now.  I could pass out right here, but I haven’t written in a few days and I’m feeling the need to just ramble on a bit. I had a lovely chat with the bro tonight.  Well, it was more me listening, but still.  He was sharing with me what he hopes he’s found in his girlfriend  What he wants from a partner.  It was a chat about all the “maybe’s”  It was sweet.  I hope the very best for him.  For them both.  She seems to make him quite happy.

It got me thinking about my own desires and dreams.  You know the ones.  The ones deep down that you don’t let anyone know or see.  The ones that scare you a little because if you were to admit them aloud, you’d either have to do something about it or work towards it, or admit that maybe you’re too weak to try for it.  That maybe you’re scared of what other’s will think.  Could be a whole host of reasons why you don’t admit to yourself.  We all do it.  At least I think.  I hope I’m not alone in that.

I just want to live a life where I can smile …. most of the time.  I get that life throws you curve balls.  Hell, I can handle those most of the time.  I’ve learned how strong I am.  I tend to thrive when the pressure is on.  Not sure why.  Yea, I might fall down.  But I get back up and go at it until I get it right.  I’m tenacious in that way.  I just want to surround myself with people who want the same thing.  To smile.  To laugh.  To find joy in the world rather than drama, anger or pain.  To support one another and cheer each other on.  To have someone who will think the world of me the same way I do for them.  To show me with affection and actions that they truly care about me and want me in their life on a … well, eventually on a daily basis.  But that takes time too.  I’m not perfect.  No where NEAR it.  But I do strive for continual improvement.  To continually learn from the mistakes I make or the mistakes I see in the world. I’m not looking for perfection either… that would be boring.  I’d rather grow together.

I think what scares me though is … while it’s great to want these things.  There’s lots that factor in to the success in having those things. The biggest is obviously the other person and their own feelings and ability to give love.  And then there’s me… On one hand, I give love very easily.  But on the other hand, it scares the shit out of me.  I’ll admit it.

The few times I’ve been in love I can count on one hand.  3, I could MAYBE count one more as 4, but I question it slightly.  I put my everything into those relationships and for varying reasons, they crashed and burned.  In my past, I started to question whether or not it was even worth it.  But in the last few months, I’ve been feeling a bit differently.

Maybe finding that one person who really makes you goofy, nerdy, cheesy, meltingly happy is worth risking a little heart ache.  Maybe they sneak up on you, when you least expect them to and suddenly find that they’re all you think about.  Not in a weird stalker kind of way, but in a … hmm… hope he’s smiling… kind of way.  Maybe they are just as happy hanging with you, eating pizza and beer and playing old school video games, as they are going out on the town or mixing in with a happy hour.  Maybe they’ll share with you, and be a team with you.  Maybe they’ll plan trips with you and dance with you randomly.  Maybe they’ll take you to the park when they see you need a calm reflective moment and just enjoy the sound of the surf and smell of the salty air with you, enjoying it just as much for themselves as you are.  Maybe somehow, in some strange way, you’re kinda perfect for each other. That’s an awful lot of maybe’s but it would be bliss. 😉

Maybe I’m just a sappy romantic at heart after all. Who knew?

 

Well folks, I need to go crash.  Goodnight Neverland.

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